A confluence of events has left me without a review for this week, and it’s put me in the position of having to leave you without a review this week. I could just post a bunch of screengrabs and say “it sucked”; and it would probably be the most accurate and respectful review I’ve ever written! But I’m really trying to save that joke for whenever there’s an episode about, oh, idunno, everybody getting shipwrecked so they can make Gilligan’s island jokes and casually forget that Balki knows how to get off an island. Or one where the cousins enter the local raw-poultry-throwing contest and end up poisoning a woman on live television. Or one where he and Balki become undercover prostitutes.
Anyway, you dutifully navigated your browser to this blog this week, and I shouldn’t reward that behavior with just a post that says “tough titty”. Instead, I’m here to announce the
PERFECT STRANGERS REVIEWED
That’s right, you heard right, a caption contest! Here’s how it works: I’ll put up a screengrab, and you caption it with some silly turn(s) of phrase in the comments. If I think yours is the funniest, you win! If I don’t think yours is the funniest, I’ll write you a personalized message telling you the bad news.
What do you win, you ask? Would you just wait a fucking minute? Did you seriously think I wasn’t going to mention the prize? You people.
For some goddam reason, I own some Perfect Strangers slides that were part of a press release kit for the show. I guess they served the same kind of role for TV executives that signing letters to the families of deceased veterans does for the president: having to consider briefly the havoc that they wreak on others’ lives. They’re from 1991 and a couple of them even feature images from Season 6 episodes. One of them features Mark and Bronson doing a move called the “totem pole”. And then there’s one that features the Perfect Strangers logo because everybody but maybe eight kids had stopped watching this show by 1991.
I don’t want these furshlugginer things. The one with the cousins dressed up like Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton chases me through my dreams like a cancer diagnosis.
There are five of them and this is what they look like:
They’re not actually blue, but white; blame the eBay seller for being considerate enough to actually photograph them in a way that captures the tiny frames of film.
Tuck them away in your hope chest! Project them on the wall during your next shitty party! Grind them into dust and cut your cocaine with them! Sell them on eBay! I don’t give a shit, I just want them out of my damn house!
All you have to do to win is write the caption for this image that makes me laugh more than the ones other people write. You can submit only ONE caption, though, so you’d better get it right the first time. I’m looking at you; you know who you are.
One more rule: you may not exploit any loopholes that I’m not thinking of. Also, you’ll have to give me your address if you want these things sent to you, but you don’t have to put that in the comments.
Here’s the screengrab! Go nuts! I’ll announce the winner when I feel like it!