Well, I’m nowhere near done with my final Bronsonpalooza post. It will run next week.
In the meantime:
Saturday, May 4, at 7PM EST, I’m doing Larryoke again!
There will be a few more posts after Larryoke, but this is essentially the going away party for Perfect Strangers Reviewed. It will really hurt my feelings if you don’t come.
On the day of Larryoke, I’ll post a link to the stream both here and on the Facebook event page. The stream will be separate from the chat, but that’s the way it is when you’re doing things on the cheap. The chat will be through Discord, and it’s already up! You can head there now if you want to be the first to say Hongi Bongi.
The episodes will be family-friendly, but the chat and the songs won’t. Before I get further into the contents of the stream, I want to tell you about the Frank Aid fundraiser.
Frank, if you’ll remember, appeared in Season 3, episode 11, “The Break In”; a man so disturbed by the bottomless criminal element in Chicago that he no longer wanted to live.
Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. There were 1.4 million suicide attempts in 2017, over 40,000 of them successful. I’ve felt like killing myself before, but I’ve been lucky: I can go see a therapist, or call a friend who understands, any time I want. All Frank had was Balki and Larry, who begrudged him their help.
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention does important work to improve both suicide interventions and getting those interventions to people who need them. Larryoke will include a fundraiser for AFSP, and I hope you can find a few bucks to send their way.
It never felt right to try to make money from this blog, and a result I’ve never tried to come up with merchandise to sell you. I thought about doing some artwork for a special poster, but to be honest finishing up the writing for this whole thing takes up all my free time. (Maybe some day.)
But I do have a couple of incentives if you donate to Frank Aid.
$10 Level (20 spots) – Quick pencil sketch of one Perfect Strangers character in a compromising situation. You name the character and the situation; trust me, you’ll be sorry if you leave it up to me.
$30 level – I’ll get exactly two T-shirts printed, one with the Chicago Chronicle logo, and one with the Fat Marsha’s Burgers logo. I’ll never make more of either one, except just for me. Me and you, shirt buddies.
I’ll pick two names at random, and then I’ll email you to get your size, address, and gender! (Evidently shirts are made differently for people with breasts. Who knew?) Donation amount is not tied to number of chances. One person, one chance.
All the donations go to AFSP; I’m paying for the shirts.
I’ll post the link to the fundraiser the day of Larryoke 2, as well as a non-intrusive number of times during the stream.
So what in the larryokeing fuck is Larryoke, you ask?
Larryoke is a livestream consisting of 7 episodes of Perfect Strangers, plus one or two special surprises. They are very special surprises. Have a bedpan prepared, they’re so special.
BUT THAT’S NOT ALL
Not even hardly!
As of this writing, there will also be 14 Larryoke songs, and I’m trying to get a few more lined up. No idea what a Larryoke song is? So basically what I do is write Perfect Strangers-themed parody lyrics for popular songs, and then I guilt-trip my best friends into recording themselves singing them. Thankfully, they’re all better singers than I am. Here are the songs from the first Larryoke:
The stream will last around 5 hours, but it’s going to be so stimulating, and you’re the kind of red-blooded Americans who will watch anything (I said… anything), so I know you’ll stick around until midnight when all the horns blow and Balki’s balls finally drop.
I know you’re excited because all the ditties will get you upset, and I’m sure you’re dying to know what the songs are, as internet culture has ruined surprises for us all. I won’t tell you which songs Larryoke 2 features, but I will tell you all of the Larryoke songs I didn’t use. Sunburn fetishist Philip J Reed and I developed this list of unused Larryoke song titles, and by deductive reasoning you should be able to figure out the ones that got recorded.
Kiss Me Gorpley – Lita Ford
Sweet Myposian – Aerosmith
Save a Horse (Ride a Gorpley) – Big & Rich
Gorpley Up Buttercup – The Foundations
Jungle Gorpley – Kool and the Gang
The Wreck of the Samuel Fitzgorpley – Gordon Lightfoot
Gorps Up Side Your Head – The Gap Band
Ma Gorpley Amour – Stevie Wonder
The Master(ohgod)plan – Oasis
Sammy Gorpley PTA – Jeannie C. Riley
The Greatest Cuz of All – Whitney Houston
Will Meego Round in Circles – Billy Preston
Who Put the Gorp (In the Gorp, Gorp, Gorp) – Barry Mann
That’s A-Gorpley – Dean Martin
Every Gorpley Plays the Fool – The Main Ingredient
Long Cool Gorpley in a Black Dress – The Hollies
Tiptoe Through Bronson’s Lips – Tiny Tim
(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Gorpley – KC and the Sunshine Band
You Don’t Mess Around with Sam – Jim Croce
Mustang Gorpley – Wilson Pickett
Cousins in the City – The Lovin’ Spoonful
Ferdinando – ABBA
(Is This The Way To) Write a Good Show – Tony Christie
Boochi Boochi Man – Muddy Waters
Proud Gorpley – Ike & Tina
Thank You (Falettinme Be Rid Dick You Lus Agin) – Sly and the Family Stone
Meego No. 5 – Lou Bega
Signed, Sealed, Delivered I’m Gorp’s – Stevie Wonder
Gorpley in a Bottle – Christina Aguilera
Jump (For My Cuz) – Pointer Sisters
Do You Really Want to Gorpley – Culture Club
Sammy Gorpley – Alan Jackson
Mama Myposian – Culture Club
Frank’n’ Roll Suicide – Bowie
Myposian Rhapsody – Queen
Please Touch Larry’s Hole – Joan Jett
Killing Frank Softly With This Song – Lori Lieberman
Bridge Over Babasticky – Simon & Garfunkel
Single Larries (Put a Ding on it) – Beyoncé
Lydia the Re-Used Lady – Groucho Marx
Here Comes Balki Claus – Gene Autry
I Do, You Do?, I Do, You Do?, I Do – ABBA
Medley: Bartokomous/Let the Cousin In – The 5th Dimension
The Caldwell Street Discount Song (Feelin’ Ritzy) – Simon & Garfunkel
Da Ya Think I’m Twinkie? – Rod Stewart
Mama Don’t Screech – Madonna
Berman for You – Blue Öyster Cult
Gorpleytown – Lipps, Inc.
Have Yourself a Larry Little Christmas – Judy Garland
Shepherd’s Pie – Warrant
Lamb on the Run – Wings
Clap for the Sheepman – The Guess Who
Bird I Sold – Freda Payne
Santa Balki – Eartha Kitt
He Works Hard for the Gorpley – Donna Summer
Walking in Mypos – Marc Cohn
Suite: Balki Good Lips – Crosby, Stills & Nash
Long Tall Gorpley – Little Richard
Closer to Hole (I’m Your Cousin) – Grand Funk Railroad
Black Hole Co-Sun – Soundgarden
C.O.U.S.I.N – Rythm Syndicate
My Cuz Runneth Over – Ed Ames
Balki’s Theme (That’s the Best He Can Do?) – Christopher Cross
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Gorpley – U2
It’s De-Gorpley – Cole Porter
If I Said You Had a Beautiful Gorpley Would You Hold It Against Me – The Bellamy Brothers
Gorpleys are Doin’ It For Themselves – Eurythmics & Aretha Franklin
The Night the Lights Went Out on Gorpley – Vicki Lawrence
New Gorp State of Mind – Billy Joel
Tuxedo Sunburn – Eagles
I Just Started Hatin’ Christmas Songs Today – Moe Bandy
Gorp Vibrations – The Beach Boys
Baba O’Gorpley – The Who
Gorpzilla – Blue Öyster Cult
Lawyers, Guns and Gorpley – Warren Zevon
Gorpley Two Shoes – Adam Ant
Sam Gorpley’s Fire (Man in Office) – John Parr
Knocking on Heaven’s Gorp – Bob Dylan
Gorpley’s Got a Gun – Aerosmith
Every Gorpley Wants to Rule the World – Tears for Fears
Abracagorpley – Steve Miller Band
Shepherd’s Delight – Sugarhill Gang
Gorpley/Long Time – Boston
Every Gorpley was Kung-Fu Fighting – Carl Douglas
It’s My Gorpley – Lesley Gore
Yes Sir That’s My Gorpley – Margaret Young
Sloop Sam G – The Beach Boys
Cousin Larry – The Who
Eight Gorps a Week – The Beatles
Hey Sam – The Leaves
Angels We Have Bronson High – James Chadwick
Sunday Gorpley Sunday – U2
Gorpley Seems to Be the Hardest Word – Elton John
Love Her Gorpley – The Doors
This One Gorps Out to the One I Love – R.E.M.
Front Page of the Chronicle – Dr. Hook
Gorple Rain – Prince
Samfool (Say That You Gorpley) – The Cardigans
Gorp Sharona – The Knack
Gorp Only Knows – The Beach Boys
Dirty Deeds Done With Sheep – AC/DC
I’m Too Gorpley – Right Said Fred
I Gorpley That Emotion – Smokey Robinson & the Miracles
Red Roses for a Dead Biki – Vic Dana
Gorp! (There It Is) – Tag Team
Total Gorplipse of the Heart – Bonnie Tyler
Gorpling on Sunshine – Katrina and the Waves
Gorp Up the Jam – Technotronic
Gorp it On Home to Me – Sam Cooke
A Taste of Honeymooners – Billy Dee Williams
Gorpual Healing – Marvin Gaye
Sexual Gorping – Marvin Gaye
Oh My Lord – George Harrison
Mr. Gorpjangles – The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
The Gorpley-Motion – Little Eva
Saturday Night’s Alright For Gorpley – Elton John
Shiny Gorpley People – R.E.M.
Balki Then Nothing – Jen Trynin
Hang on Gorpley – The McCoys
Slapstick Tonight – Eagles
Gorpley – The Association
Mr. Gorpley – Ernie
Subterranean Workplace Blues – Bob Dylan
If I Were Your Cousin – Gladys Knight
Please Mr. Gorpman – The Marvelettes
Gazebo – Van Morrison
West End Gorps – Pet Shop Boys
Riders on the Gorp – The Doors
Everybalki Hurts – R.E.M.
Gorpley in the Sky with Demands – The Beatles
I Wanna Dance With Sam Gorpley (Who Loathes Me) – Whitney Houston
Sam Gorpley to Love – Jefferson Airplane
Cigarettes and Balkihol – Oasis
Gorpley Wonderland – Earth, Wind & Fire with The Emtions
Pour Sam Gorpley on Me – Def Leppard
My Cousin (Never Gonna Get It) – En Vogue