Season 3, Episode 22: Bye Bye Biki


Oh man, I’m so excited. Season 1 ended with a party, Season 2 ended with a nailbiting setpiece atop Twinkacetti’s roof*. I don’t know exactly what “Bye Bye Biki” has to offer, but I’m sure it’s going to be a real showstopper!  You know why? Because once you get enough episodes under your belt, you can not only make callbacks, but you can start stacking them on top of each other.  Think about the time Michael Scott burned his foot on his George Foreman grill, and then used it at a cookout. Think about basically any later Firesign Theatre album. Think season 3 of Arrested Development.

Consider the possibilities of what jokes I can mix!  Maybe somebody else drinks some Bismol and I can talk about how Larry shouldn’t drink after them because of his immune system!  Or maybe Jennifer will get a hot tip from Gus about eyeliner! Or maybe Mary Anne will be so dumb that she thinks that a callback joke involves humorous use of vertical service code *69!

Speaking of dirty jokes, I’ve also been saving up my “Larry and Balki are super-probably totes gay” gags during the past few weeks’ moratorium.


Ain’t no party like a gay callback party, y’all!


We open outside the Caldwell, where we find the window open. Last season ended with a double X, a sign of death and deletion.  Here, the windows signal two levels of uncertainty. The open window to a fire escape signals an exit; but as with any sitcom, renewal is always a concern, and we don’t know yet whether the escape would be up, or down, that ladder.  Also the little pattern below the other windows is a symbol of how Larry gives Balki handjobs!**

Larry is urging his Cousin Balki to leave his room so they can get the “good donuts” at work!  Good donuts! Haha, yeah, good donuts are the ones you can stick your penis through! Larry’s gay! Also he’s fat! Also crullers are the bad donuts, which is a callback I’m making to “Happy Birthday Baby”!

But Balki is still putting his clothes on, probably because they were boinking right before this.


But the phone rings and Larry, having finally learned patience, hangs his coat. Remember this. This is important.

Is it a hot tip from Gus?  Is he going to tell Larry to forget the donuts so he can get some photos of Mr. Casselman cheating on his wife with Fat Marsha?


Oh, no, wait, it’s Balki’s mom, screaming “Balki” into the phone. Well played, show, I see you’re trying to beat me at the callback game.


Oh, no, wait, it’s not Balki’s mom, it’s his “Yaya”, which is Myposian for grandmother.  So Balki just talks Myposian at her for a minute while Dmitri does Dmitri in the background.

Balki ends the call by saying “bye bye, babe” in a deep voice. Larry assumes that Yaya Bartokomous is coming, and is confused when Balki corrects him. I guess we can add incest to the Quiverfull aspect of Larry’s family of origin. Ooh! Ooooh!  This explains why Larry’s got no immune system to speak of!  Or at the very least, he does have a fragile one, which is nothing to sneeze at.  (I’ve been holding onto that one for 38 episodes.)

Anyway, Balki’s maternal grandmother, Yaya Biki, is coming to visit. Also, she’s 106 years old! Around this time last season, we established that Balki is Jesus, so they must be counting years the way they did in the Old Testament, where one season is a year.  So Yaya Biki’s only, you know, Larry’s age.


While Balki finishes covering up his nakedness, he talks up his gramma some more. Every morning she wakes up, takes the sheep 6 miles up a hill, then comes back and makes breakfast for 26 men; after which she does aerobics.  I guess that’s supposed to be impressive compared to the 11 men thing from way back, but what, she doesn’t have a baby in the middle of all that?


In the next scene, the cousins are right back home. Balki finishes hanging some garlic wreaths because the walls have come down with a cold.


Cousin Larry comes in, and his first instinct is to look to the right, and behind him. He shdh at the garlic, and then he hangs his coat. Remember this. This is important.


The next joke is that Larry almost runs into a cow which is standing right behind the couch.  It’s a good thing everyone looks to the right and behind them when they enter their home, or else there was no way that joke would have landed.  I have three jokes for the cow.


The cow is Yaya Biki.

This will be the first cow Larry hasn’t had to share with eight brothers and sisters.

Balki and Larry will have to eat grass to try to hide the cow from Twinkacetti.


Thank you. Mooving on.


Oh, no, wait, I have more.

This is an udderly ridiculous situation.

Larry, can you get pasture Cousin’s most recent flagrant breach of the lease terms?


Okay, really, I’m done.

I bet that chew cud be upset with me for milking this cheesy bit.


Mark Linn-Baker does a nice line reading saying “Balki”–it’s half scared Larry, half Balki’s Yaya over the phone.


Balki pops up from behind some plants he probably pulled out of a dumpster and asks what’s up.

Cousin Larry beats around the bush for a bit trying to soften the blow of telling Balki he’s upset about the cow. In one way, that’s growth for Larry that he’s not instantly upset. But Sarah Portland talked in the comments about her Myposian roommate a couple months back, and now that I can see this through her eyes, Larry, you’ve got every right to eat that whole cow. You’re fat, Larry.


Speaking of developments in character growth that really aren’t, and that shouldn’t have been necessary, we see that Balki has made his Yaya a blanket. For once, it’s not the same damn green one they keep trotting out any time Balki needs a blanket.


But it’s always two steps forward, one step back with this show, because we then find that Yaya Biki watches Letterman.  And I think it’s time I talked about character creep.


No, no, stop, not that. I’m borrowing here; I first encountered the idea of “creep” in a project management course, where we read about “scope creep”. The Letterman line is another one of those jokes that erodes the rustic feel of Mypos for easy yuks. And this points up a bigger problem for the show at this stage. Again, Sarah Portland hit the nail on the head with this one three months ago when she said that the show tries to have Larry be the stable one and Balki the manic one, while it’s obvious now that the opposite is true.  Larry is the adult character, so it’s fun to have him act like a child. Balki is the foreign character, so it’s fun to have him speak in an accent-less deep voice. Mary Anne is the dumb character, so it’s fun to have her say something smart. Jennifer is the desirable character, so it’s fun to give her absolutely zero personality.  But in the same way that the show ends up undercutting its lessons by tacking a joke onto the end of them, it’s eroding these characters, and the statements it has made about them. It’s fine if you want to show that Larry’s still a little kid inside to illustrate how he’s trying his best to put on the vestments of adulthood, but at least let him still have a base of cultural knowledge that Balki can benefit from!

Anyway, holy cow, we’re a third of the way into the episode and not a damn thing’s happened. Seriously, I hit play again right after I wrote that paragraph and Balki’s just pointing at a chair he bought. I can only imagine that Larry and Balki are not having sex right now because they’re worried their leather pants would offend the cow.


Goddam, finally, we go to the Chronicle building. I was worried there for a minute I was going to have to write a good callback joke about how the sound effect of the cow lowing was on the flip side of the LP they used for Little Frankie’s crying back in season 2.


Balki is teaching Larry, Harriette, and Lydia how to sing a Myposian song. Hey Gorpley, here’s your chance! Come out and fire this guy!


This is a nice visual indicator of the acting skills of these three. Harriette is happy to do something for Balki, but Larry and Lydia are both thinking to themselves “is this really a song?”.

The last word of the song is “babasticky”, and the song is supposed to be “For she’s a jolly good fellow”*** and maybe the “babasticky” is meant to convey the impossibility of denial part at the end of the song?  I’m trying to make sense of this language, but who cares. Larry and Balki are primarily concerned with the language of love.


Harriette: W-wait, wait, hold on, honey

*sigh* You’re right, Harriette. I’m kind of forcing the gay jokes. I’ll get us back on track with some callbacks. (You are Harriette, right?)


Balki repeats the exposition about Yaya Biki coming, and tells us that there’s going to be a party.  I’m glad he did that! If this scene had been Harriette and Lydia at the party, we would have had no explanation whatsoever as to how they knew to show up.

Harriette insults Lydia on her way out, and then the phone rings.  It turns out that Carol is actually dating a guy named Jim.


Haha, nah, j/k, Yaya Biki changed planes in New York and her heart stopped. She’s dead. That’s really sad. Huh.

I guess she must have sexually harassed one of the Delta terminal’s desk staff and threatened to have him fired!


Mary Anne (Sagittarius) and Jennifer are there to recreate the scene from the end of Season 1, even down to there being potato chips and Mary Anne wearing a lot of eyeliner. Balki has even regressed to saying “potata chips”.


Usually it just takes 18 minutes for the cousins’ roles to be reversed, but here we see one two seasons in the making: Cousin Larry makes the party guests leave. He makes his own callback by telling the women that Harriette and Lydia are wearing the same outfits, and that they should go upstairs and change.


Mary Anne drops her guard for a sarcastic split-second; she knows what’s up (Larry’s penis up Balki’s butthole, usually).

Larry has some difficulty saying that Yaya Biki is dead, and the guys in the audience think the way he hesitates about it is HILARIOUS.

Balki sits down and says he’s been running around “like a chicken with its head glued on” and damn. I… did not expect that I would ever need to make a callback to how Myposian youths amuse themselves by watching animals die.


Larry says that Yaya Biki bought the farm and Balki is so happy that he makes the same face & arm motions that I did when I found out that my apartment building’s fire alarm is just two decibels shy of bursting my eardrums.

But on Mypos, unlike in 1980s America, farms were still a thing that got used instead of subsidized, and a misunderstanding is as good an opportunity as any for Balki’s catchphrase, isn’t it?


Larry says that Yaya Biki is dead. Alright, the Biki plot is out of the way and we’ve got 10 minutes left.  The women are gone, the door’s locked, let’s drop those trousers and party down!


Balki decides to go out and buy more chips, and wow, when has Balki not been upfront with his feelings?


Balki comes back with the CEO of Unichip, Inc., demanding that he count all the potato chips in Chicago.


Nah, j/k, the cousins come back from the circus. Balki’s wearing a balloon hat, and so is his familiar, Dmitri. Did… did Dmitri time travel?

Balki: Doesn’t this balloon hat lend itself well to a joke about phalluses? We’re really gay, Cousin!


Heehee! This move’s called the “Bozo Bucket Bonanza”!

Balki’s obviously really into having fun right now, and nothing’s more fun than the fun they sure do have when the four of them get together, so Balki suggests they invite the women to watch a movie. (Pizza is the only thing Larry eats.) (Larry is fat.) (Larry does not poop.)

Balki: I’ll make some popcorn and we can practice catching it in our mouths!

Hee, hee, “catching” is a gay sex word. Larry and Balki are ‘mos!


Then they argue about whether Balki is happy.  I thought Balki never lied, and that Larry would believe anything Balki says?

Larry finally (after three friggin’ weeks?) asks Balki if he’s really happy that his Yaya Biki died. Balki admits he’s not happy, and explains to his cousin that his Yaya had asked him to go on with his happy life when she dies. He’s holding on tight to that highest of Myposian ideals: the Promise He Made.


If Balki playing with squeaky toys indicated the shallowness of a lesson, Balki dropping popcorn kernels one at a time into a pan tells us the depth of his sorrows.

Larry says that you have to mourn someone when they die.


Larry: I had an uncle whose wife died…

So… your aunt?

Larry says that this uncle wrote a letter to his dead wife, and that it made things a little better. Look, show, this is a comedy, can we just have a goofy seance at a third location?

Balki doesn’t want to say goodbye.  Larry leaves to visit the womenfolk.


Balki keeps trying to start talking to the chair, and again only the men in the audience laugh.

Balki talks to the chair he bought, about how he wanted his Yaya to see more of the country than LaGuardia’s filthy bathroom stalls. Yaya Biki had told Balki stories about the Statue of Liberty, how she was bringing light to the world.


Balki: So I — so I’ve got Yaya Biki sitting here.  And you — I was going to ask you a couple of questions.  But — you know about — I remember three and a half years ago, when you sheared that sheep. And though I was not a big supporter, I was watching that night when you were shaving that thing and they were talking about hope and change and they were talking about, yes we can, and it was dark outdoors, and it was nice, and people were lighting candles. They were saying, I just thought…


I just can’t. I can’t, you guys. I can’t follow through on that Clint Eastwood joke. It was going to be really great, but what

what does it





I’ve been trying so hard to keep this blog funny, I’ve been trying to make gay jokes and I wanted to really make you all laugh with some stellar callbacks about there not being any party horns and, like, Moonlighting, and suicide… I even had a Biki with the good hair joke all ready to go, but it’s all just been a giant clown nose to hide my pain.


Susan’s gone, you guys. We never really got to know her, but she always seemed like she had such great potential. And not just Susan, but all those others! Tina, Carol, Gina, Linda, Gorbachev, Suprides, Eddie, Donald Twinkacetti, Edwina Twinkacetti, their children, Wistful and Woebegone… They’re all gone.  I’ve been trying to keep myself happy by honoring the promise I made**** to make this the funniest sitcom review blog around.  But I’ve got five more seasons of this; if I’m any good at it, I’ll pick up new readers. And will they even know what I mean 50 reviews from now when I say that  ennifer: — ?



It’s obvious now that I remember more about seasons 1 and 2 now than season 3 does.  I love this show, my awkward, frustrating, clumsy child; but it’s growing up. This show outgrew its clothes. It learned to use the toilet (well, after breaking it, anyway). It’s not going to remember its beginnings, but I will. We’ve probably all gone through phases where we had to demand that our parents stop seeing us as babies, or children, or teenagers.  It’s hard.  My show’s changing, and I have to change with it. It’s been scrubbing the specificity off its characters’ pasts all season, and I see what I’m supposed to learn from that. I can’t make a callback to everything; everything can’t be a running joke.

Balki, to Biki, regarding the Statue of Liberty:

I remember the first time I ever saw her. I was sailing into New York Harbor on the steamer, and the sun was coming up, and… there she was. Just like you said. Bringing light to the world. And it was the most wonderful day of my life. And… you… made that day possible.

I knocked this show so hard all season long for watering down its own lessons (with poop water, no less) that it took me by surprise when there was a lesson for me waiting here at the end.


Balki’s realizing that he is the new generation, that he has to leave behind his past and forge his new life in the greater world.  Man, the scene where Luke finds his burnt uncle and aunt got nothing on this!  The lesson here is that Balki has to honor his past by enjoying the opportunities it gave him, rather than feeling like he had to keep up every aspect of his culture.


And me?  I have to roll with the changes. I know I’m capable. I know I’m funny. But as much as this blog is about me, it’s just as true that it isn’t. I don’t know where Perfect Strangers is going now; I’ll talk more about this in the season review, but I don’t think it did either. I’m in a dialogue with the show, and I have to follow it where it goes.  It’s still my dream, and some weeks it seems to take over my life. But the show and I are long past “hello”, and I can’t keep talking to it like it’s a baby.

Or like it’s an empty chair symbolizing a dead body in legal purgatory, sitting in the Delta baggage claim and stinking of fish parts.


As the camera pulls back towards the windows, we ask: will it escape down the ladder, or up?

Season 3 est mort.

Vive Season 3.



Catchphrase count: Balki (1); Larry (0)

Boner count: how dare you, Balki’s Yaya Biki died


**it’s complicated, send me a DM and I’ll explain it

***public domain, not reason #whatever

****to Satan

*****Psychology Sidebar: the “five stages of grief” model was developed by Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in the late 1960s


NAH, J/K, y’all mofos oughta know by now I always roll three deep with callbacks. I stack jokes better than Balki stacks motor oil cans. I can get ex-girlfriends back with the mere mention of egg rolls and saxophone music. My stuffed sheep even has tiny callback jokes! You butter believe it!

Season 2, Episode 9: Two Men and a Cradle

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This episode opens in the Ritz Discount Shop with Balki, Gina–and Gina’s baby!  Hello Baby! Hello Continuity!  Balki speaks Myposian to the baby (“Little Frankie”) and we get a new angle.  Balki’s already agreed to let the baby stay with him, but does he think Larry’s down?

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Larry comes in and pretty much the first thing Gina tells him is how horny her husband Steve is (Steve, gee, what a great Italian name).  Man, those foreigners and their lack of sexual mores!  How dare they acknowledge at all that sexuality is a basic part of human life?

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Since we get a repeat of Gina as a character, we also get a repeat of the plot for the previous episode she was in.  Balki agrees to be nice to someone, presents it to Larry as an idea “wouldn’t it be nice if someone”, Larry says “yes, it would”, and then has to grin and bear however that impinges on his life.  I was willing to buy that back when Larry was trying to get photographs of things happening, or trying to get into the pants of Tina, or a stewardess, but Larry, you’ve got no fucking social life now.  You and the baby can sit on the couch and drink from your respective bottles (store-brand Bismol and Similac).  Larry lobbies for setting a time nine months from then to babysit Frankie, but Gina’s already just, like, sopping wet and has to get on the road to meet up with Steve.  So Steve can “lay the hammer down”. So Steve can be the “bear at her back door”. So Steve can “run her across”.

Okay, I’m sorry, this show has jokes too.  I don’t laugh at many of Balki’s malapropisms, but “nervous breakdance” got me.  Twinkacetti comes in and we get the show’s first legitimate gay-couple sight gag.

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Balki runs around trying to cook and clean and care for the baby all at once, but has to step away to get the laundry.  Larry refuses to help:

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Larry: Watching the baby is not my job; I have a life, you know.

“A life”, here, consists of sitting on the couch reading Martha Ostenso’s Wild Geese. Come the fuck on, Cousin Larry, aren’t you depressed enough at work? Holy shit, what an existence.

Now that the baby’s out of sight, the audience needs to be reminded that he exists.  Adding a baby to the show was a good move, because the audience should be able to relate to Frankie, since neither has developed object permanence. So Frankie (that is, track 3 from volume 8 of the “Sitcom Sounds” series– “Baby gurgle (extended)”) starts playing.  Larry claims that he is above thousands of years of evolution by saying that he will not melt when the baby does something cute.  But Larry, we know you have no immunities, not even to cute babies.

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The baby raises its hand and Larry smiles, laughs, and says “cut that out”.  It probably read funnier to the studio audience without the clip of the baby just raising its hand.  But, I dunno, maybe Frankie just made a gang sign? Or a Mafia sign? Are those a real thing?

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It turns out that Balki has been washing Frankie’s disposable diapers.  Like, I get that there are diapers you can put in the wash, but please, somebody tell me in the comments how this work.  Wouldn’t shit get everywhere?  I mean, not that it matters to the one guy who clogs the toilet whenever he actually manages to shit, nor to the guy who never washes his hands, but I’m worried on their behalf.

It turns out that Larry was fed up with babies because he always had to help his mom out with his siblings.  Come the fuck on, Cousin Larry.  You’re always upset because you had to share things with your big family.  Now you’ve got this baby all to yourself–shouldn’t you be excited?  Anyway, we get a nice little rant from Larry:

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Larry: Larry, run to the store and get some more milk, Larry, babysit your brother, Larry, let Elaine tie you up.

Man, I hope when Elaine shows up that she just devastates this guy.  I actually appreciate Larry here, though, giving Balki actual wisdom like a real person in his situation would.  It’s an actual progression of character and show. But my fear is that they’re going to have to reach more and more for this kind of thing in future seasons.  Anyways, Balki takes on responsibility too easily, and Balki finally asks Larry to help instead of just assuming it will be there. Progress!

Balki makes a crummy joke, and then proceeds to oversell it, just like I do.  The difference is that I do it to call attention to how hacky the joke is; Balki’s just proud of himself.

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Oh, no, wait, forget what I said about progress, this is an opportunity for Larry to be smug and have it backfire on him.  Plus, Larry says “watch and learn” and I know he’s said it before a few times.  Maybe this is his catchphrase instead of “don’t you ever… “ ? Hell if I’m going back and rewatching past episodes to find out, though.

Next scene: The Apartment. Night.  Cue volume 8, track 7: Baby crying (angry)

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Cousin Larry still won’t let it go that this whole thing is Balki’s fault, so he’s obviously forgotten that hearing adults argue is NOT the way to calm a baby down.  So Larry tries giving the baby a heart attack, because dead babies wail no wails.


Larry then says that they’ve overlooked the obvious thing, and in the show’s quest to have Balki say his catchphrase as often as possible, they finally stuck it somewhere it doesn’t work.

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Don’t call someone ridiculous when you’re agreeing with them!  Anyway, Larry sings “Rock-a-Bye Baby”, the grisly imagery of which horrifies Balki. Even foreigners know not to put cradles in trees!  And even though this show aired when I was probably still being sung this song, it’s only maybe the second or third time in my life I’ve ever heard anyone voice my concerns that it’s a song about babies dying.  So thank you, Balki.

Balki starts singing the Brady Bunch theme, which is a good joke because, given Balki speaking Myposian at the top of the episode, you’d expect him to sing it here; OR you’d expect some sort of R&B song based on previous episodes.  Larry joins in, and I’m guessing this scene made this episode the highest-rated of the whole season, prompting the push for Full House’s pilot to end with a similar scene.

In the next scene, Larry and Balki return from the park.  I figured that would have been an obvious third location.

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Larry hangs his coat. Remember this. This is important.

Oh man!  Balki’s rocking a killer shirt there! Move over, Mr. Ochmonek!

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Larry drinks Sprite when he’s happy, not only because he likes to taste its tingling tartness, but also because it’s natural! Larry, I’ve gotta say, I like the Sprite in y–OH NO THEY BROUGHT HOME A GIRL BABY!!!

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In a solid callback to the first Gina episode of the season, Larry once again recoils in horror from a vagina.  You see, in some African cultures, the vagina is seen as a spiritual force, symbolizing the power that women have over the creation of new life.  In fact, one of the phrases used by the Ashanti people to refer to the vagina is bosom kesee, meaning “great god”.  This spiritual power not only encompasses creation, but also destruction; the woman may curse men who wrong her through use of her vagina.  Shades of these beliefs show up from time to time: in the late 20th century, the Takembeng movement used (among other tactics) vaginal displays as protest against the Cameroon People’s Democratic Movement. The public display of a vagina serves as a threat, a reminder that vaginas are the core of womanhood. No action could be taken against such protest, as no man would be willing to harm the source of his own existence. The powers to both give and take away life are often equated, even in modern American society.  I mean, how many times have you heard a sitcom parent tell their child “I brought you into this world, and I can just as easily take you out of it”?

Anyway, the point I’m making is that not only is Larry not above thousands of years of evolution when it comes to a baby’s cries, he’s also not free from thousands of years of collective unconscious.  Haha, Larry think’s he’s such hot shit, but he’s really just a loser like the rest of us.

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Larry gets so upset that he starts mispronouncing words just like Balki: “carriage” and “balloons”; I don’t think I’ve mentioned it, but they do jokes like that from time to time. Then they both just kind of freak out for awhile before going back to the park.

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Our heroes return from the park and, in monotone voices, relay the necessary expository lines for the members of the audience who just woke up.  Then Larry starts whimpering until Balki smacks him around a bit to shut him up.  They are going to have a serious talk about who’s a top and who’s a bottom later.

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Before they can formulate a plan, Gina shows up! Oh  no! Yet another third act where Balki and Larry try to hide their failures from a woman!

They do their damnedest to keep a woman off-screen for as long as they can, even engaging in physical comedy.

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I see you trying to bait me with another great opportunity for a joke about buttsex, but no.  You’ve put it off for 7 episodes, guys, but a woman neither of you has a chance of fucking gets to drive the plot of an episode again.

You’ll get another few episodes’ reprieve soon, but for now, Gina’s back, and even though Steve jammed her gears pretty hard, she made it through shiny side up.

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Balki tries to tell Gina the truth about Frankie while Larry readies his best heart-attack face.  Nah, just kidding, even though she has the nicest hairstyle in the whole show, Larry tells Gina she looks like shit and drags her off to the restroom.

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Then there’s another knock on the door and, assuming it’s Steve, they do that whole picking-each-other-up-and-then-dragging-Larry thing again.  This is a nice frantic feeling they’ve got going here, even for me: I mean, I can see how much time is left in the episode, so I know these guys aren’t going to fix the problem.  We know their abilities at this point, and hooking up a radio to stereo equipment isn’t going to fix this one.

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But it’s the mother of the girl!  She yells “Katie”, they yell “Frankie” and I have trouble believing that their bathroom door is so thick that Gina wouldn’t hear that.  I mean, come on, I’ve been led to believe my whole life that walls in TV Land were so thin you could hear through them with a glass.

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Linda Richards thanks the guys for taking care of Katie, and I guess that less-than-perfect eyeliner is the equivalent of red shirts on Star Trek now (Sarah Portland, I expect a comparative essay of no less than 250 words on my desk by 8AM next Monday). I’m willing to put money down ($50) that we never see Linda or Katie again.

But how can they be sure the baby is actually Little Frankie?

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Evidently Little Frankie has a Big Frankie, which they just stare at for awhile.

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Gina gets her baby back, Linda gets her baby back, and Balki and Cousin Larry just sit around in the very last scene being sexist for awhile.  The lesson they learned is how much work it is to be a mother.  Not a PARENT, mind you, but a MOTHER.  Yeah, no shit, when women have to do everything on their own, it is a lot of work. These smug assholes think one day of completely fucking up taught them what it’s like to experience years of not completely fucking up.  They decide to resolve the cognitive dissonance of how bad it feels that their moms had to put up with them for 20 years by agreeing to send their moms presents.  Now that they won’t have to think about improving themselves, they are free to turn their brains off and watch The Brady Bunch.

Me, I accepted long ago that men should be equal partners in all parts of a marriage or family; but I also accepted that I would be a consummate failure at childrearing.  Thus I will never have children, meaning that I’m free to turn my brain off and watch Perfect Strangers.

Join me next week for “The Rent Strike”, where there will be far less staring at infant genitalia.


Catchphrase count: Balki (3); Larry (1) (I mean, I guess I’ll count both of Larry’s now. If anyone wants to correct my numbers for previous episodes, please feel free)

Boner count: Balki (0); Larry (0); Little Frankie (Little Frankie is disqualified, as all Italian males have perpetually tumescent members; unsurprisingly, the Italians have no word for “boner”)