Season 3, Episode 11: The Break In

We open at the Chicago Chronicle, where we find Larry giggling to himself.

Harriette and Balki arrive in the elevator, but because she finally gave in and let Balki the Kid operate it, they have gone too far down.

Larry is still laughing over something he wrote (I can relate), causing Balki to come over and start laughing with him. This causes the audience to laugh. Balki voices my own thought (“what are we laughing at”?) prompting the exposition.  Larry spent half his day covering a “stupid dog show” and it really stressed him out, so he decided to write a “funny” article about it.

Are you… are you making fun of me, show?

Larry’s article is about how snooty and fat the dog owners’ wives are, but Balki isn’t laughing, because that’s mean.  He gives us Rubble Rule #39: Iffi bighi hoch pdooie ocho pidi badhbadhsticky, or in other words, “If you spit into a windstorm, you better carry an umbrella”. And because I’m hung-up on trying to make sense of the Desperanto that Balki spouts, I’m going to focus in on “badhbadhsticky”, because we’ve had “babasticky” a few times now. Sticky=sheep; baba=shit, bullshit (lies). So for “umbrella”,I’m going to guess that “badhbadh” might translate to “skin”, telling us the construction of the tool; or “shield/screen”, to indicate its purpose (like, I dunno, are you supposed to keep sheep dry?).  Anyway, none of you cares about that.

Larry cites Don Rickles as a precedent, and because Rick-les is Wayne Newton’s favorite comedian, Balki is 100% down with the idea. He almost instantly tries it out by insulting Larry’s nonexistent lips.

Larry plans to send the article to his brother Billy, I guess to impress him with yet another article that didn’t get published. He puts it and the real article in identical, unsealed envelopes.  Harriette returns, bringing with her a man named Frank.

Harriette: Frank, what’s a 5 letter word for life?

Frank: (thinks)  Hell.

*dingdingding*  We have a motif established!  Frank has also, evidently, gone too far down.

Mr. Burns rushes in, gets Larry’s name wrong, and even insults his intelligence, but he’s still no Twinkacetti.  He gives us the last two pieces we need for this week’s situation: the Chronicle’s publisher, R.T. Wainwright, sponsored the dog show, and wants Larry’s article on his desk by that evening. He then asks Larry where the file on the “Fornzak” baby is.  And since Larry can’t possibly do one thing, and then do another one, he asks Balki to take the article up to the publisher’s office.  (I’ll let you know when the show gets to the “comedy” side of the sitcom coin.)

So, if I’m to understand correctly, Balki’s job is to sort mail.  His job consists of making sure the right envelopes go to the right places. He has, we assume, done an impeccable job, since Gorpley has been looking for even the slightest reason to fire him. So! I assume that the cousins will just have to slapfight over the Fornzak baby files or something. They really painted themselves into a corner here.

Later, the cousins, Jennifer, and Mary Anne (Sagittarius) watch Moonlighting. They spend a while talking about how great the show is, in case you missed the lesson about not watching cable television last week. Balki tries out his new American knowledge:

Balki: Mary Anne, is that your hair or did your head just explode?

Mary Anne doesn’t get it because she is dumb (so dumb, in fact, she thinks that moonlighting is a technical term used by porn directors). Anyway, back to the A plot: Balki also wants their prospective girlfriends to hear Larry read his jokes about women.

Larry’s so taken with his own writing that he has multiple orgasms (I can relate).

Since the audience has forgotten already that there’s another article, or even that other spaces exist in this world, Balki lets us know where the joke article is. These four sure do have a lot of fun when they get together, don’t they?

The mid-episode exposition over, Jennifer and Mary Anne leave, allowing Larry and Balki to touch each other–you know what, gimme a second… okay, I just programmed a hotkey for pasting that phrase in.

Larry says he should have known it would happen, citing “Appleton’s Law”. It’s basically just Murphy’s Law, and I needed this reminder. It’s comforting to think that simply because good jokes can happen on a sitcom, that if a show runs long enough, it’s bound to happen eventually.

Balki wants clarification on whether insult humor is funny, and all Larry can say is that sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t.

Balki realizes that he insulted Mary Anne, but Larry stops him. He explains that they’re long past season 1 when Balki could mess something up and learn a lesson about the way America works; this is season 3, and only Larry gets to be wrong. And this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to him, no doubt. I mean, his life is just over. If only there were some way to undo this damage to his career.

10 minutes into Perfect Strangers and chill and he gives you this look

Larry guilt trips Balki about doing his job incorrectly, and that breaking into the publisher’s office is the only way to fix it.  Larry makes it seem like he’s doing Balki a favor by coming with him, and that’s super-shitty, but yeah, Balki’s got to undo his irresponsibility, because man, if I were in that situation and couldn’t fix what I’d done, I dunno, I might just give up on life.

It turns out the building does still exist at night, and here’s proof.

The cousins are out breath because they took the stairs and have never once gone to the gym or taken a Karate class.

And here we are, the office of R.T. Wainwright, locked, lights out.  Alone in an empty building, no one there to help them. Things are looking bleak, guys. This may be the end for the cousins.

Larry misquotes the mailman’s oath, but Balki calls him out on his bullshit. Larry drops his mask, admitting his deception and shifting gears to begging. You see, “R.T.” stands for Reigning Tyrant and Larry knows that he’ll be fired if Wainwright reads the joke article.  Larry begins to beg for Balki’s help, offering whatever he wants, he’ll even reconsider the love egg.

And, okay, yes, that garbage with Moonlighting earlier was blatant product placement.  But then it pays off with Larry saying they’ll do what they do on Moonlighting to get through the locked door, and Balki starts in with that you do? I do! stuff. This is something like the third time that the show has had a setup that seems so out of place which then pays off pretty well.  Maybe I should stop knocking this show so much…

*turns to fourth wall*

Nah….

Larry tries that credit card trick, another indication that the show has forgotten that these dopes are supposed to be poor.  But they might soon be poor again, because the card breaks, the half with Larry’s name stuck in the door, and the size of the piece of plastic left in Larry’s hand is no mistake: it is of a size with the newspaper clipping of Larry’s first published article. A subtle clue that in a world where no one appreciates your hard work, and never gets your name right, maybe it’s better for that name to just disappear from that world forever. No byline, just… “bye”.

When you’re in an unwinnable situation, sometimes you turn to your drug of choice. The cousins try to physical comedy their way out of this mess.

It provides a temporary reprieve, allowing them to switch out the article, but –oh no! The elevator dings!

The cousins turn out the light, but–oh no! They’re on a sitcom so after a second’s delay, another, softer light turns on!

And the publisher’s office is somehow the smallest room in the entire building, so there’s nowhere to hide!

Psychology sidebar: have I talked to you all yet about the idea of “averageness”?  Basically, we find others more attractive the closer they come to some sort of societal (read: racial) “average”, especially when it comes to faces. This was first “discovered” in the late 19th century by Francis Galton, who studied the faces of criminals and vegetarians. He found that by creating composite images of multiple faces, the result was more attractive than any of the components.  It was another century before this was tested out with computer-generated composites of faces. Long story short, composites of faces tend to be rated more attractive in general by subjects, and the composites made from higher numbers of faces were rated more attractive than those made from lower numbers of faces.  Anyway, the reason I’m saying all this is that the theory is now officially dead and buried because the security guard here is a walking composite of Dick Van Patten and Lance Kinsey (Proctor from the Police Academy movies), and it’s not a good look.

Anyway, OH NO!!! Lance Dick has closed the window!

The cousins say variations on “the guard locked the window” like, seven times, and I sure am glad I’m watching the syndicated version.  Larry calls upon God himself to save them.

But there’s not enough room for physical comedy, much less the front-to-front kind. These guys are fucked. GAME OVER, man. A bunch of firetrucks and police show up and Larry thinks that by moving half an inch backwards they won’t be seen.

And, hey, look, it’s Frank! I wonder what Frank’s doing here? Whatever it is, it’s sure to be comedy gold!

He’s up there to commit suicide, which somehow Balki knows about (possibly from that dialogueless episode of Mr. Ed he watched last week?) So Larry learns an important lesson: that losing your job–even if it’s for something unjustified, like someone mistakenly giving your boss an article that you wrote in a fit of pique because you had to spend all of one day focussing on something that you felt was beneath you–cannot compare to the traumas of mental illness, which can drive someone to give up on life.

Hey, wait, the music didn’t turn on. We’re still on the ledge. That wasn’t the lesson. Balki insists on talking to Frank, and Larry cautions that one wrong word and Frank will jump.

Balki: Fingyprints.

*FRANK jumps*

Nah, j/k, they stay up on the ledge all night talking to Frank about his family.  Frank mentions that his son, Frankie, Jr. is a natural at tee ball, and Balki mentions that he was a Caesarean birth.  (And here I thought on Mypos was very simple….)

Larry starts in telling Frank that the idea of suicide makes no sense because he has a wonderful family.  Yes, that’s right, folks! The best way to handle a severely depressed person is to let them know that, on top of everything else they’re going through, their perception of the situation is wrong!  Yeah! You should smile more often, sweetie! Even though (as Larry so helpfully points out) Frank is one of the leading journalists in the city, Frank is sick of it:

Frank: I’ve been covering crime for 12 years! All I see all day are people doing terrible things to each other. I can’t take it anymore!

*counts number of episodes left on fingers, divides by 52, carry the bonus posts*

*turns to fourth wall*

*gulp*

Balki suggests that Frank goes home to his family, who will be hurt if he kills himself. He goes on to mention that Frank would only become another terrible person that another journalist would have to write about.

Frank says he feels humiliated.

Balki says “if you come out on this ledge again, there’s a good chance we won’t be here”, and the audience laughs.

In the final scene, Larry says he wants to forget the whole thing happened.

Balki says he never wants to go through something like that again.

The final joke is how funny it is that Balki and Larry don’t get any sleep because they stayed up all night keeping Frank from killing himself.

Okay, fuck this.

*turns off plastic megaphone*

*writes the rest of the review in my real voice*

I’ve contemplated suicide. I own a copy of Final Exit. I know how I’d do it. I’ve determined that it would take 2 months to get my affairs in order, update my will, post an outline for the rest of my webcomic, and visit people to tell them good-bye.  My one “attempt” consisted of me refusing to get out of bed one morning.

I’m 31 and I know how I want my remains handled: cremation, ashes kept in a Hamburglar cookie jar. I had to face mortality early, because I had (have) kidney disease, and I was on dialysis for 3 and a half years, half of that time living alone, just me, my dialysis machine, and no promise of anything but the same day, the same week, indefinitely.  I got my transplant kidneys quicker than the “median” wait time, thanks to a change in the allocation algorithms. But in the time I was waiting, there was no way to know how long that would be. I can’t tell you how much sleep I missed from my dialysis machine waking me up. Every week, I threw away three 39-gallon bags of plastic & rubber dialysis supply trash. Combine that with the costs to insurance, and the fact that my productivity at my job, and on my webcomic, had seriously declined… for a while, I was producing more garbage than anything else. From a strictly utilitarian viewpoint, it was debatable whether I was worth keeping alive.

And you know what? My situation was at the lighter end of the depressing spectrum. Some people need heart transplants; have cancer; get raped; get emotionally abused. Some never get a break from it. Some people don’t have anyone to talk to. I’ll admit that there was a light at the end of my tunnel, curved though it was, so I can only speak to my own depression.

It sucked! In part because of some of the responses I got to it, from well-meaning friends.  “I love you” is an honest, compassionate thing that people said, but all I could hear was “…but not enough to give you a kidney”.  My family and co-workers will be upset that I killed myself? They’ll get over it. People will misunderstand my reasons? Story of my life anyway. Even the friends who went the “you’re a great person and I’ll miss you” route? All I could wonder was how long I should suffer for their sake. I wanted a reason to stay alive, but it had to make sense. One thing that kept me going was knowing that every day I tried to decide whether suicide was reasonable was one day closer to getting a kidney, and thus daily less reasonable. The other was the friend who told me that she understood my feelings, and acknowledged that even though she disliked the idea, it was my decision to make.  And emotionally, that’s something I was searching for: acknowledgment that I was having a normal, not-crazy reaction to a shitty situation with no outs and little opportunity for fun outside of drawing for about 30 minutes every evening.  I don’t know, ultimately, what kept me from killing myself. Maybe both of those things, maybe neither. I don’t know what would keep others from it. I refuse to try to give advice.

I guess my point here is that suicide and depression are seriously complex fucking issues. I kept my mouth shut about Larry’s eating problems (I’ve had one), and even Balki’s addiction (I’ve had one), but as Ren Höek would say, kee-ripes, man! This episode was a case study in how to tell yourself that you’re helping someone while not giving a shit about their situation.  Balki and Larry tell a depressed guy that he’s wrong for feeling depressed, and then complain to each other about how much it drained them to do so.

Oops! I just wrote 600 words about suicide on a blog that’s supposed to be about boner jokes.  And yes, I was making suicide jokes myself before I went off. So let’s revisit the episode’s opening juxtaposition of laughing while a friend is halfway buried in the earth. Let’s talk about why sometimes jokes are okay, and other times not.

Neither of the cousins really learns that put-down comedy works when a) the recipient is in on it/understands the intent (celebrity roasts), or b) the joke is delivered in a “comedy” setting, like a stand-up routine, or a sitcom, or even c) when the object of ridicule holds a position of power/is actively hurting others.  Larry only goes so far as to explain that you shouldn’t make offensive jokes when you could get fired.

So thanks for reading? And thanks for understanding that when I make a suicide joke, I’ve been there, and one of my intentions is to ridicule the subject’s handling.

*turns on plastic megaphone*

And thanks Balki and Larry for never getting so depressed that they can’t pop boners!

Join me next week for…oh for fuck’s sake… ”To Be Or Not to Be”.

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Catchphrase count: Balki (0); Larry (1)

Boner count: Balki (0); Larry (0)

Burns misnomers: Appleman

Season 3, Episode 2: Weigh to Go, Buddy

We open at the R– ha!  Can you believe it? Two weeks in and I’m still writing “Ritz Discount” on my checks!

Larry is reading a book, and Balki is folding clothes because ABC knew those two things were what people kept tuning in week after week to see in season 2.  Balki is donating clothes to the local community clothing drive, claiming that cheerful giving is the path to happiness.  Ah, BUT, Balki is giving away Larry’s old clothes!

Larry fails to button his high school chorus jacket. Remember this. This is important.

It’s good that Larry tried that jacket on, because otherwise we would have been stuck with 20 straight minutes of Larry trying to convince Balki that in America, what you’re supposed to do is take clothes from poor people. Larry weighs himself and finds that he has gained a whopping 7 pounds. The discovery surprises a new catchphrase out of Larry.

Okay, um, 7 pounds?  If we’re going by a strict rule of one sitcom season equals one year, then Larry’s somewhere between 25 and 26 years old.  If we could all only gain 1 pound per year, we could maybe stop taking up the medical world’s time with our diabetes and our heart problems and let them get on with the important stuff, like, you know, improving the “target delivery” of boner pills (heh).  At any rate, it makes perfect sense that Larry has gained weight around his midsection.  Our ancestors had an evolutionary advantage for survival because of things like opposable thumbs, speech, and accumulation of fat stores in the midsection. Developing a gut in middle age allowed our ancestors to give their children food without themselves starving. Larry’s been taking care of a child for at least a year at this point, during a time of near-poverty for the both of them, so yeah, he’s got a dadbod.

At any rate, three seasons in, this show has stayed strong in its commitment to Balki providing homespun cures for Larry’s modern American ills.  So gird yourselves, folks, this looks like it’s going to be a tonal repeat of last season’s “Larries and Germs”.

Jennifer and Mary Anne (Sagittarius) come by in uniform to drop off clothes for Balki to take to the charity drive.  They will be in Australia the entire week, and bingo! I get why they’re stewardesses now. With Susan, who had no personality trait other than “red hair”, the writers had to resort to her making faces and running out of whatever room she was in just so we could keep our focus on the cousins. With people who have a job–a job that takes them out of the country–you just have to have the character say “My job!” and then they can leave.  In this transition, however, the writers forgot that they stuck themselves with two characters.  Sure, Mary Anne’s dumb and all (so dumb she thinks a charity drive is something you do when you feel really sorry for a car), but Jennifer… well. Um. She likes to organize her closet?

Anyway, the ladies make Larry’s situation worse by mentioning that their old clothes are too big for them now! Balki tells them what a grotesque fat fuck Larry has become, and Mary Anne says that if she gained 7 pounds, she’d die.

Jennifer says that she likes “a little tummy on a man”.  Okay, now she has two personality traits, she likes her closet organized, and she likes a little tummy on a man.  Hey, Jennifer, do you think you could maybe offer to help Larry lose some weight at the gym where you work?

Jennifer, can you…? Oh well.

Larry starts panicking. Between spoonfuls of lard, he reasons out with his strong American reasoning skills that the women will be gone for seven days, and that he wants to lose seven pounds, so he will need to lose one pound per day.  For what purpose? So that he can secretly have a smaller abdomen that Jennifer will never see, because they will never have sex?

Larry offers up an apt metaphor for how far we’ve come since last season by running in place.  He claims that he has an iron will, and that this will help him lose weight.  Balki, right on cue, offers up the “Mypos diet”, and yet again, I feel like I don’t even need to watch the rest of this episode, much less review it, because I can just about tell you what happens.

But then Larry lands a solid callback joke:

Larry: What do you do, cut down on the pig snout?

And I am given hope that maybe they’re going to bring something new to the table here. The cousins argue with each other some more, Larry runs in place some more, and eventually the scene ends.

Larry gets up in the middle of the night and raids the fridge.  We learn that Balki now has his own room, even though from everything we’ve seen in this episode and the last (same general layout, similar artwork on the walls, the women living in the same building), it’s the same apartment.  I guess if Twinkacetti is out of sight, every detail concomitant with his existence (including, somehow, Larry and Balki’s poverty) is out of mind.  But two good things here: Balki has armed himself with his shepherd’s crook (something that should have shown up in the season 2 episode “Lar and the Real Burglar”), and Larry tries to hide by pressing the button inside the fridge to turn its light off.  Well, okay, the second one’s funny, but not very smart.  He’s basically increasing the odds that Balki caves his skull in with the shepherd’s crook.

Balki scolds him and Larry instantly asks for help.  Balki starts laying on the guilt trip pretty thick, and you’ll forgive me if I’m confused at this point.  Isn’t Balki supposed to be the compassionate one?  Shouldn’t he kindly acknowledge that, for once, Larry has given in to Balki’s way of doing things 6 minutes into an episode and just help the guy out?

Larry, his corpulent form now filling fully half the volume of the apartment, renounces the “Larry diet”, but Balki still holds out, claiming he’s hurt by Larry’s earlier jabs at the weight of the King of Mypos (300 lbs, holds world record for eating jelly donuts).  You know what? If I had to go through this shit every time I repented from my evil American ways, I’d never ask Balki for help more than twice.  Anyway, Larry wants to know if he has to eat anything strange.

Balki actually gets a sutble joke for once, too.

Balki: You’re not allergic to fish or soup, are you?

I guess if the writers can forget that they already did this episode last season, they can’t be expected to remember little details like how Larry consumed “fish parts”

Larry, his face slick with excess grease, asks Balki to promise that he won’t let him (Larry) eat anything not on the diet, and Balki has an orgasm.  The hell?

Okay, this episode’s really impressing me with some of the jokes.

Balki: I just performed the Mypos Ritual of Promise.

Larry: Am I still a Presbyterian?

And then:

Balki: I will never, ever break my promise.

Larry: You won’t?

Balki: What did I just say?

A joke was made, and then, when the show tried to do that repetition shit, Balki shut it down faster than somebody looking at porn when their mom walks in the room!  Season 2 is over, people!

(I’d also like to mention that the music at the end of act breaks has now gotten a little more in line with what you’d expect from a mid-80s sitcom.)

After four days, Larry finds that he has lost three pounds.  I was going to gripe about how you should weigh yourself at the same time each day, you know, like right when you get up, after your first piss of the day, ideally with no clothes on. But let’s just say I don’t share Jennifer’s tastes.

Balki is so happy for Larry’s success that he makes the same face I do when I close the freezer door and then hear everything inside tumble, knowing that it will all fall out when I open it again.  Larry discovers that Balki has tinkered with the scale and that Larry has actually gained 2 pounds, even with the Mypos diet.  Balki says that you “bloat up a little bit” in the first few days of the diet, but that it goes away after a while.

Larry calls up Paoli’s Pizza, and I’m thrilled that there’s some internal continuity between the exterior shot and this scene, because it lets me point out what a lazy sack of crap Larry is!  If he’s not even willing to walk downstairs to buy a fucking pizza, no wonder he’s gained seven pounds!  He’s calling for something like the fifth time so he can shout at them.

There’s a knock at the door, but–on no!  It’s Balki! He tries to send Balki back outside, but then–OH NO! It’s the pizza guy!

So Larry just shoves Balki into his bedroom, pays off the pizza guys, throws the pizza into the hallway, pushes Balki back into the bedroom, lots of slamming doors… shouldn’t this count as exercise?

Balki smacks the pizza right out of Larry’s mouth and picks his 500lb cousin up up by the collar. Larry then tries to do one of my biggest pet peeves. He starts acting like Balki’s upset because he would have to give up his Myposian promise.  I see people do this at work and in my personal life all the time. You start having others’ concerns for them as a way to deflect the fact that you’re projecting your own wants onto them, or that you’re secretly embarrassed about the lack of justification for wanting what you do.  I’m sure there’s a psychological term for it, but I only took a minor in college, so let’s just call it “the ol’ project-deflect”).  I know it’s a pop psychology book, but in Scripts People Live, Claude Steiner gives some advice that has served me well for years: be upfront with what you want (and why) 100% of the time. It’s honest, gives you a good chance of the other person reciprocating the gesture, and you’re far less likely to feel cheated or ignored if you don’t get what you wanted.  Plus, here’s Larry’s argument for breaking promises:

Larry: This is America! People break promises all the time! This is why we have all that Indian land!

Don’t be surprised when the underclass foreign “other” doesn’t respond well to you rubbing eminent domain in his face, cuz.  Larry tries to leave to go to a restaurant, and Balki turns him sideways. Balki throws Larry on the couch, intending to snuggle the pounds away, but a loud “crunch” reveals a bag of cookies under the cushion.  Unintentional though it probably is, I do want to point out that Larry hiding snacks under the couch cushions is a symbol of American greed; while Balki hiding snacks (season 1’s “Larry’s Birthday Or Whatever”) is a symbol of Myposian generosity.

We then get a whole scene of Balki finding Larry’s snacks around the apartment, using Larry’s face as a detection device.

a bar of “solid milk chocolate” under the couch

a bag full of–let’s just say pork cracklins–in one of those things that’s shaped the same as an umbrella holder, but it holds fire pokers instead

Sixlets in the candlestick holder (come on, you know it’s Sixlets, Larry leads too shitty a life to have actual M&Ms)

a box of, shit, I dunno, confectioner’s sugar on the bookshelf

a donut on top of the lampshade

Larry: We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us.

The cousins fight over the donut.  This is why the women left, people, so Larry and Balki could fight over a donut.  Holes are easier to work into the script when there’s no risk of them talking, I guess.

Then Balki quits fighting him and Larry is disappointed. God damn, Larry, you just want someone to be codependent with you, don’t you? Balki sees that playing Larry’s game will land them in couples’ therapy by the end of the season, so he just says he’s done.

Balki: I haven’t got time for the pain.

Balki does some weird gesture with his hands and says that he is the only Mypiot in history to ever break a promise (remember, this is probably not too signifcant – they die young there).

The music comes on, prompting Larry to apologize. He says he’ll do anything to make it up to Balki… anything except the diet…or that thing with the love egg turned up all the way.

Balki starts pretending to cry again because he’ll have to wear some kind of hood made out of goat hair if Larry doesn’t go back on the diet, so Larry goes back on the diet. And you know what? I bet that jerk brought a damn goat hair hood with him. He brought everything else. I mean, come on, we all saw how endless Balki’s (and Dmitri’s) wardrobe was last season.  The apartment itself grew a room this season, probably just for Balki’s clothes.

In the scene before the credits, everybody waits around for Larry to come publicly humiliate himself by breaking the scale.  Wardrobe did a good job on giving him a slimmer shirt so it would look like he’s lost weight, but still. You don’t do this clothed.

Larry: The important thing is not whether I’ve gained or lost weight; it’s whether I’ve grown as a person. The inner me is stronger.

Good, so it won’t matter if Larry has gai-

Oh fuck you. You had me going there with those good jokes, show. But then you slipped in the same kind of bullshit ending that you pulled with season 2’s “Larry Likes Hunks”.  A character learns a lesson about not getting what you want, and then the character gets what he wants; the dopamine rush will ensure that the lesson does not stick.  Then Balki gets on the scale and that’s a decent unspoken joke but fuck you anyway, show. I hope you gain 7 pounds and die.

Join me next week for “Sexual Harrassment in Chicago”! Bet you can’t guess what that one’s about!

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Catchphrase count: Balki (1); Larry (1)

Boner count: Balki (0); Larry (0)

P.S. Full House would, four months later, do basically this same plot with Joey in the episode “Sisterly Love”. I’d never, ever recommend that anyone actually watch any of these shows, but please see Billy Superstar’s review of that episode if you want to compare.