Intermission: 71 Things

I’ve tried to do various things to make this blog interesting and fun, you know, like reviewing Winnie the Pooh cartoons and offering up C.S. Lewis fanservice. I believe the kids these days call this type of behavior “extra” (and they say print newspapers are dying!).

I had hoped that I could arrange more interviews, with the actors, or with the writers, or even with the hosts of A.M. Los Angeles, you know, give them a chance go on the record as distancing themselves from the show. I’ve sent messages to these people on Facebook, Twitter, through their agents, through their family members. Lise Cutter declined to be interviewed; Bronson Pinchot declined to be interviewed, and told me I’d pronounced his name wrong in the message. Mark Linn-Baker returned my registered letter: scrawled on the envelope was “That’s Nice”. Rebeca Arthur left me on seen.

I pestered Louie Anderson. I sent a request to the head of Warner Bros.’s physical (props) archives, Bonnie Fallone Otto, because I know they have some of the outfits from the show, and who knows what else. I was trying to see if they’d let me watch the pilot. A copy exists, somewhere, and if an advanced alien race arrives before Earth turns to spent carbon, I’ll ask them to find it for me.

I promise you, I’ve done everything I can short of stalking, which believe it or not gets really expensive really fast if you commit to it.

There’s a slim chance I’ll actually hear back from a few people (*makes “call me” gestures at Belita*), and if they do, I’ll post the interviews, even if it’s after the blog’s over. I had left this week free for an interview, and boy oh boy am I not ready to write about Season 8 yet. I’ve seen it. It’s gruesome.

Ultimately, the best legacy a review blog can leave behind isn’t the reviews themselves, the insights, or even the great joke I had ready where I was going to ask Tom if he drives a Detrucky or a Devanney. The greatest gift that this blog can hope to bequeath to future generations is hundreds of high-quality stills of Bronson Pinchot that the A.V. Club or whoever can use without credit.

So I figured I would take this opportunity to revisit some old episodes and see what details are more visible now. I know you love it when I stop every other thing in a review to talk about the shit in the background, so please stop begging me for a post like this.

Season 1, Episode 1: Knock This

Look at that! Already there’s payoff for this shitty filler post idea, Larry’s baseball sister (I dub her Abstinence) has “Appleton” on her jersey!

It’s a bread. Balki’s holding a bread.

Check out the fridge door: Larry is into funny dogs. Also his mom fobbed off all the old shit from her kitchen she hated the sight of.

I believe that Time Magazine must be this one, with a cover date of Feb. 24, 1986, just to give you an idea of how quick the turn-around between this episode’s taping and airdate of March 25, 1986 was. I mean, we’ve covered that before, but AHA!, right? I’m important for finding this stuff out.

Now I can make t-shirts with the Ritz Discount logo. That’ll be $50 apiece.

I’m so not going to get into re-reviewing this mess, but remember how the very first episode was about how Balki how Balki quickly got a job because he’d been not only a sheepherder, but a marriage counselor, a veterinarian, and a chef as well?

Only true Perfect Strangers fans will want the rarer logo with the alternate font on “Discount”. You too can “get it” for $100.

Hey, look. A painting. This is worthwhile, right?

Man that window display is even sadder in HD.

That alphabet & numbers blanket is interesting. No idea what the Q thing is. Also, those must be photos of Yaya Biki! Was that her in the opening?

Again, not re-reviewing, but the final joke in this episode is that only the dumbest foreigner would accept minimum wage. Haha. Ha.

Season 1, Episode 2: Picture This

Mark wasn’t kidding when he said he had to get rid of the elderly decorations. He missed the Toby jug there in the back.

Does anyone recognize the Bailey’s Soda Cola? Was it regional to California?

Remember the original Linda? Please tell me I’m not wasting my time going through these.

Looks like their bathroom mirror was broken. I smell a deleted scene.

AAAHHH those visors! They don’t make them like that anymore. Stupid “lead in paint” laws. Also: *sniff*

Awww. Their first kiss.

You know, Socrates was kind of a prototype for Jesus. Not saying Jesus didn’t exist, just saying it took a few hundred years to repackage the narrative and sell it.

Season 1, Episode 3: Date This

It’s PaulAndre!!

It’s Frau Farbissina!

Man, Jerseyman was sitting right there the whole time, just waiting on someone to flirt with his Jerseygirl.

Wow. It’s the exact same people in the exact same outfits both nights in the same seats at the single’s bar. They can put “Appleton” on a jersey you’ll never see but they can’t get a room full of people to sit in different spots or switch coats.

Season 1, Episode 4: Baby Driver

Someone actually took a marker to some of the wording on the shopping bags–

–but you can still tell that the Cousins shop at the only Ralphs outside of Southern California.

More of that blanket. Lots of tentacles on Mypos, evidently.

I would put the call out to y’all to track down better images of those posters at the Motor Vehicle Facility, but I’m the one working at a university library with a government documents collection. Lost forever.

It’s basement Linda!

Season 1, Episode 5: Overdraft This

Just swinging by for the puppy paper.

Season 1, Episode 6: Birthday This

Ho ho, Larry discovered postcards with titties on them!

Is “CONFUSION GROWS” a better or worse headline than “WALK ON MOON”?

Season 2, Episode 1: Womb This

Just want to point out that “Today’s Special” has been blue jeans for 7 episodes now (and will stay that way through the end of the season). I also suspect that Twinkacetti would have spent the first dollar he made on a porn magazine.

I feel like this one might be a fun episode to cosplay for CousinCon 2020.

Season 2, Episode 3: Win This

What, you thought I was doing all 120 episodes? Sshhhyeah no.

Mostly I just want to see if any of our regulars are in the crowd at the baseball game, because there is ZERO REASON to ever watch this misery of an episode. (You’ll be happy to know they got a new bathroom mirror, though.) We’ve got PaulAndre back there, but more importantly–

–it’s Basement Linda again! I’m beginning to think she’s the Cousins’ guardian angel.

Steal a base or two in this Shop ‘N’ Spend Spartans raglan top, a “steal” at only $50!

Season 2, Episode 4: Burgle This

I have a confession. This whole post was to get a better screenshot of Motorcycle Maidens magazine. Now I’m stuck having to watch the rest of these at 8x speed to finish this post.

But I did find out what magazine this actually was: the September 1986 issue of Cycle Guide. I may not have good ideas for bonus content posts for this blog, but you have to admit I execute them masterfully.

While I’m here: Larry is reading The Variety of Fiction: a Critical Anthology by Edward Alan Bloom and Lillian D. Bloom.

Twinkacetti does not read the Chicago Chronicle. Half of you have stopped reading this post.

This one feels like a meme template. Go wild! Have fun with it!

Season 2, Episode 5: Vegaaahhhsss Thisssss

Enjoy some smut!

What the fuck? Either PaulAndre went undercover as a dealer in Vegas, or I really do have a problem telling black people apart.

Basement Linda got a job there too, keeping a watchful eye over Larry’s potential for addictive behavior.

Remember what I said about citations a few weeks ago? Apply it to memes and meme templates. There’s a wealth of them buried in any given show, but the shows that are under-represented simply don’t have a viewership that overlaps with meme creators. Alternately, think how Tom & Jerry of all things is finding new viewers through memes.

Season 2, Episode 6: Sneeze This

That photograph with the signs stuck around all the way through the seventh season.

Larry drinks White River cola.

Please tell me this is worthwhile.

Season 2, Episode 8: Vince This

I gave up trying to research whether that’s actually the back of a Juice Newton album. Probably not, though.

Basement Linda makes sure the Cousins get where they need to go: in this case, she directs their movements into the halls of justice to help bring down a local mob boss. Also that’s a young Marianne Mullerleile, before she gained weight and showed up in scads of roles that existed solely so other actors could throw fat jokes at her.

Someone actually bothered to put Vince’s girls in the audience here, both chewing gum the entire time. Of all the things I can’t say about this show, not skimping on background details is the one I can’t say right now.

Season 2, Episode 10: Strike This

We never got enough Schlagelmilch. She’s eating sausage with the angels now.

Season 2, Episode 11: Christmas This

Putting all the boxes of unsold wrapping paper tubes together as a makeshift Christmas decoration is damned clever.

Someone had to paint all this snow. I had to sit through the episode. Who had the harder job?

(Does anyone else remember in the 90s when some company started putting out phone books with a fake Yellow Pages logo or is that just a dream I had?)

While I’m here —

Season 2, Episode 13: Since I Lost This Baby

That grey cat is a Pound Pur-r-ries doll (I only ever had Pound Puppies), and I’m touched to see that someone in props thought to keep some of the winter items from the Christmas episode around for a few weeks.

Twinkacetti actually had paper bags printed up for the store? A rare luxury for the man who lives $50 at a time.

Oops! The Hulu guy continued not to give a shit and didn’t crop out “Chez Paul”. Also, Balki’s advice for how Twinkacetti should beg Edwina for forgiveness involves rubbing his (Twinkacetti’s) face against her feet. I swear, y’all. If any of you ever get to interview Bronson, make sure the first damn question is about his foot fetish.

Season 2, Episode 14: Catfight This

I came here solely for this. This is better than any voice Bronson has done since because Reagan impressions – or even just doing a voice when you put on a mask – has to have been a fairly universal experience back then. If you had asked me what Balki thought of Ronald Reagan, of an actor being the president of the United States, I’m not sure what story I would think it would lead to. But I would never have guessed that an immigrant who prized every bit of American culture would treat the president like a punchline. Fuck, even ALF treated Reagan like someone who could have a positive lasting impact on the world.

Yecch. Just as ugly in HD.

Season 2, Episode 15: Dream This

Good meme templates? You decide.

Season 2, Episode 17: Bike Baby

The sign in front of the cash register is proof that the same set of people have been making text memes for generations: the usage of all capital letters, lack of grammatical sense, and endless ellipses are exactly the same as the stuff your parents pass around on social media.

“Our new incentive program….. one mistake and you’re through..…”

I don’t feel I’m any closer to identifying this sheet of “Monster Man” tattoos, other than to say that they certainly weren’t called “Monster Man”, given the cobra and Indian chief present.

In case you’ve forgotten this memorable episode where the Cousins don’t hang out with a kid, it centers around Larry’s bike being stolen. Balki was so concerned with helping Cousin Larry that he spent like half an hour buying a cigarette & blindfold for Dimitri and putting him in front of a loaded cannon.

Season 2, Episode 20: Puck This

Are you gonna let me ding the bell?

Are you gonna let me ring up sales?

Are you gonna tell me the chili’s run out?

Fat Marsha, girl you make the message center go round

Hey I was just a Mypos lad

Never knew good food from bad

But I knew life before I left the island scene

Living here with Cousin Larry

Things started to get hairy

Twinkacetti done made a slave boy out of me

Hey hey!

I’ve been working at the Ritz

But with no raise, we called it quits

I’d hit on every blue eyed Suzy on the way (hey)

But their beauty and their style

Just disappeared after awhile

Take me to them thin blonde ladies every time

C’mon!

Oh, will I get my fries tonight?

Oh, please cook my puck burger right

Oh, I like my chili dog real hot

Fat Marsha’s burgers make the rocking world go round

Fat Marsha’s burgers make the rocking world go round

Hey, listen here

Now I can shake my pretend tits

For galoots and big nitwits

Lewis Arquette frequents this locality (I tell you)

But soon the shit had hit the fan

When Chilidude fought Jerseyman

Hey Fat Marsha, get these big men off of me (now check this)

Oh (I know), you gonna touch my hole tonight (please)

Oh, down beside that pilot light

Oh, you gonna let it all hang out

Fat Marsha, girl you make Balki’s world go round

Fat Marsha, girl you make Balki’s world go round

Get on those guys and ride!

Ooh, yeah, oh, yeah, Fat Marsha girl

Fat Marsha girls, yeah, yeah, yeah etc.

Season 2, Episode 22: Baby Roof

Nice detail on having cups full of various lint.

Not that you can really see them, but there. There is the best shot you’re ever going to get of Larry’s photography.

According to Joel Zwick’s book, Mel Brooks was around that week and expressed some serious misgivings about whether they could pull off the roof scene; and Zwick remembers having to grudgingly agree with him when it wasn’t working. Unfortunately that’s all Joel says about it, other than saying it was for a story where the Cousins were on the roof trying to fix a leak. Either it was a lost script, or Joel misremembered this episode. It’s a pretty useless aside, I’ll admit, but the snark in me can’t pass up an opportunity to note that Mel Brooks of all people passed by the set of Perfect Strangers and all he had to say was how something wouldn’t work.

That’s worth noting, right? Please, please reassure me about this post.

Season 3, Episode 1: Report This

Now that’s some character detail: there’s one of those soap opera magazines on the table. It has to be Balki’s. My mother and grandmother would watch soap operas, and tape them because multiple ones ran at the same time on different networks. Essentially they’re no different than any other magazine covering media news & speculation, but I’d argue Soap Opera Digest, All About Soap, Soap Maidens, etc. are still a highly unique entry in that category. Even putting aside the anachronism of the genre’s name, even by 1987, these magazines traded in speculation on things you would see the very next day or week, as well as summaries of daily television programs that moved at a glacial pace. (Though now that I say it, that’s a double-edged sword.) I’ll admit that I’m taste- and possibly gender-biased against the genre, but I still think these magazines are weird.

I DIMITRI I HAVE IT HOKKI STIK

No other website will offer you an HD screengrab of Mr. Feldman. Check over at Buzzfeed. No HD screengrabs of Mr. Feldman. Huffington Post? Twitter? Pornhub? No HD screengrabs of Mr. Feldman.

And lookathat: PaulAndre started at the Chronicle the same day Larry did. And now I suspect that the alderman thing was some in-joke, because it’s the very first thing that Mr. Burns asks Larry about, specifically which of them drive foreign cars. How foolish was I to miss such an obvious clue that the Chicago Chronicle is not merely a tool for reporting, but a whip for keeping Americans American?

What the hell is going on with these article titles, every one in a different font size? “Timber Industry whithers; Families Left Destitute”; “CONGRESS TO CHANGE SATILLITE CONTROL HILL”. I’m ashamed I can’t tell you what the comic is, but it appears to feature a horse, and have been done in-house.

The inside of the paper, though, is the July 13, 1986 edition of the Chicago Tribune. NOW YOU Know.

Season 3, Episode 2: Baby Weight

The art on Balki’s wall?

What they have in the fridge?

Dimitri eating a whole stick of butter?

The best shot you’ll ever get of the Pioli’s Pizza logo? ($50 in sizes from S to 10X) (Also why the fuck does Larry have a pizza delivered to the apartment where Balki can see it? Sorry, I’ll stop.  Not re-reviewing these.)

Who cares about any of that? I came to see the candy bar wrapper.

Even I’m not going to pretend that was worth the effort.

Season 3, Episode 4: Puff This

None of you would buy a shirt with the Unicorn logo even if I could get a good shot. I’ve still got a lot more to go, let’s just get the relevant screengrabs and move on.

Season 3, Episode 5: Feather-touch This

Just here for the box.

Season 3, Episode 6: Blow This

I rewatched the whole episode, still no damn horn in sight.

Season 3, Episode 8: Baby Confidential

Just here for the posters.

“Timber Industry whithers; Families Left Destitute” seems to be a regular feature in the Chicago Chronicle. Was that the name of Lydia’s column?

Season 3, Episode 9: Shock This

Are they just eating lettuce with ketchup drizzled on? Same thing I had last night. Weird.

There are three sheep dolls there, two of them with grey hair. I suppose the implication is that Balki and Mary Anne had a kid?

Season 3, episode 10: Couch Baby

A whole year later and Understand Your Dreams is still hanging out on their coffee table? Symbolism, addiction, television as aspirational propaganda, etc.

Season 3, Episode 12: To Baby Or Not To Baby

DIMITRI THIS WEEK HE IS THE MUVY STARR

Season 3, Episode 14: Pen This

Just to verify that the flashback wasn’t a newly-filmed scene:

Season 3, episode 15: Baby Babka

You’re welcome.

Season 3, episode 16: Baby Buggy

OH! It’s says “Russet Potatoes” and “Bartlett Pears”! This episode makes so much more sense now.

I could stick around on this one forever, but I don’t want give you a list of groceries (a grocery list! HA! Don’t kill me), so I’ll just let the pictures speak for themselves, like this one telling you how fucking scary a clown in a store with no kids is.

Season 3, Episode 21: Test This

How have I come this far with no shots of Lydia?

Season 4, Episode 1: Gamble This

No Harriette either? The hell is wrong with me?

Ah, to be young and in love again.

They have Oat Boats! Even if we didn’t have the Winslow/Urkel connective tissue between this and Full House, that cereal box would have been enough.

(Image shamelessly stolen from the Full House Reviewed blog. It’s the only way I know to tell Billy how much I appreciate his pioneering work.)

Again, not re-reviewing these, but the audience goes absolutely nuts when Balki finds a decoder ring in the cereal.

Season 4, Episode 2: STOP This

STOP buying lesser-quality clothing! Get the STOP logo tee for only $50.

They went to Bugsy’s Burgers! If any of you were wondering if there was a show bible, there you go.

Season 4, Episode 3: Invade This

And you thought this post wasn’t worth it.

I had assumed that Mary Anne was dressed as a pilot, but it’s clear now she’s just in her stewardess uniform. Still the best joke in the whole episode!

Here’s Cousin Larry admiring the size of Balki’s veiny nuts.

You know what? I think that’s a goddam Dimitri comic.

So glad we got to see Linda’s nuts too.

Season 4, Episode 6: Up a Baby River, This Part

God I love Lydia.

Here’s a better look at the inside of Brawny Dude’s cabin. Can you believe you’re reading this blog for free?

Season 4, Episode 9: Gift This

Of all the external shots of the Caldwell they could have used to paint icicles on, they picked the one where a dude is standing around in shorts.

Wow, I didn’t notice they had Christmas decorations up in this one! Makes sense if you think about it. Honestly, we should all be so lucky to have a cousin who can deck out an entire apartment like this all by himself.

God I love Lydia.

Lydia got a Nora Trueblood Adams mystery book, and someone went to the trouble of making a cover no one would see for it: Zwick! A Short Story.

The best way to thank me for this blog would be to not do something like use these HD screengrabs to carve me a Davros Cup.

Season 4, Episode: Gang Baby

Instead, pick up a Motor Psychos shirt (on sale for only $50) from the Perfect Strangers Reviewed Etsy page.

That sign still cracks me right up.

Fran encourages you to Get Naked and Run Wild. And I’d be remiss if I didn’t write 1,000 words on how both Cousins have gotten temporary tattoos of blondes in the exact same pose, and what that signifies in terms of capitalism.

I’m okay being remiss this week. Also, keep your snack area clean yuk yuk.

Season 4, episode 12: Bust This

It’s Carl Winslow! Hi Carl!

I’ll take back something I said when I reviewed this one. I thought that Carl had loosened the cap on the Maalox, and then Balki acted like it wasn’t loose; actually Balki put it back on to try to open it again. Everything else I said about Bronson still stands.

Another meme template. Don’t disappoint me.

Season 4, Episode 13: Bink Baby

I didn’t think this episode could get any better, but god damn are the colors great.

Is it a safe assumption that this is a shot of the actual studio audience watching Perfect Strangers? In the front row, wearing black, appears to be Robert G. Lee, the show’s warm-up comic.

Ri$k It All ring tees, with classic logo or coverall variation–YOUR choice–only $50 plus S&H.

Can someone please email the Hulu guy and tell him he forgot to remaster three seconds of this one?

I really think the Hulu guy was just choosing preset options in whatever editing software he used, because the colors change from shot to shot in this one now, depending on the depth of field, how much of the set is seen all at once; as though some algorithm is making a guess only for the colors it can see at that moment. Wouldn’t it make the most sense to get the widest shot, save the profile of adjustments, and apply them to every shot? Not my job or expertise, but I can tell they’re not being as consistent as someone mastering a current TV show would be.

If anyone ever asks you what the second-best Perfect Strangers episode is, call up your local psychiatric hospital; once they’re safely sedated and unable to harm you, tell them it’s the one with the fuckable bananas and the wheelchair you can shit in.

Ha! [Mardi Gras joke]!

Season 4, Episode 15: Baby Bowl

You’ll BOWL over your friends with one of these “Strike Force” or “High Rollers” bowling shirts, customized with YOUR name (no special characters). Don’t be a turkey! Get yours today for only 50 smackeroos!

Season 4, Episode 16: Elv This

I’m just fucking around at this point, but this is some great costume and makeup work for a shitty episode.

Looking back, without having to think about the episode in any sort of critical way, it’s strange and beautiful that there existed an era of television where contracts were secure and writers had to fill up 22 episodes a year, where plots were so unadventurous that getting the main character into an Elvis suit was a valid goal.

Season 4, Episode 18: Used Baby

Good re-use of the Ri$k It All coveralls, show.

Cousin, when you said you getting oiled up, I didn’t think you mean this!

Season 4, Episode 19: Drag This

*Casey wettens*

Season 4, Episode 21: Teach This

Totally not re-reviewing any aspect of these, at all, but what a weird visual gag that over-the-top folder is. It’s just so much time spent on what should have been an episode focussed entirely on Larry. Plus, I think we all know Balki would have bought nothing but Lisa Frank products.

Season 5, Episode 2: Defraud This

Let’s get some more Balki outfits in this thing.

Season 5, Episode 3: Baby News

MY NAME DIMITRI I IN THIS SEENGULL PANULL COMIC I SEE YOU NECKS WEEK

I would recommend you all coordinate your costumes for CousinCon 2020 so we don’t get–as much as I fantasize about the idea–20 Balkis in hair shirts.

Season 5, Episode 4: Baby Teeth

I just wanted to point out the Jimmy Carter caricature, because otherwise you might think I wasted both of our time with this post.

Season 5, Episode 6: Rhyme This

Have a limited budget for fashion?

Try makeshift makeup that’s ashen

It’s your fate to starve,

You artists who carve,

Even you who paint men with great passion

Season 5, Episode 7: Baby Daddy, Part 1

I’ll continue to be remiss about explicating the caged, forgotten American-flag hobby horse in the stores of memory.

I half expected to find junk from the Ritz Discount down here, but it’s entirely different junk.

I stand ashamed before you for not having taken the opportunity for a running joke about “CLEAN” appearing over the girlfriends’ heads.

Whichever one of you is planning to do Wings Reviewed, learn from my mistakes: write all 172 reviews before publishing any of them so you can really play up the interconnections while you’re revising.

Season 5, Episode 10: Lydia This

The batch of Lydia Live! t-shirts came back from the factory wrong; all the collars were too tight. I’m trying to cut my losses by offering them at a severe reduction, only $50 apiece.

Season 5, Episode 15: HONGI BONGI

HEEEEEYYYY BIGGI

YOOM BAGONGA NINGI

Season 5, Episode 16: The Grand Babythis Hotel

I had hoped there would be something interesting to see on the brochure, but all I can really do here is brag about how thorough and committed I am to this blog, and to you, the reader. Suggested donation is $50.

Larry, you have to cut the strings to get down!

Season 5, Episode 17: Crowd This

Thought I’d be able to identify the board game they’re playing, but I’ve failed you again.

Season 5, Episode 19: Boss Baby

I haven’t pointed out that 70s-era cookie jar in the background yet, but it’s been there for a long time now. I can relate to Larry. I have held onto the Cookie Monster jar that sat in my childhood kitchen for my entire adult life now. I’ve never once used it, but I refuse to part with it.

Dimitri, Mr. Glover, and the Chronicle’s most famous news headline.

Name a cartoon, a buffoon, and WALK ON MOON.

If someone wants to steal my screengrabs through Google Image Search, they’ve got a lot of shit to dig through.

Season 5, Episode 24: Baby Uncle

A LOT of shit.

Onesies for the tykes emblazoned with the logo of their favorite television program–now in its 40th year–only $50

Keep those letters coming in, kids! Just stamp ‘em and send ‘em to

Uncle Shaggy

℅ The Dog House

Channel 2

Chicago, IL 60609

This has got to be the Full House-est episode of Perfect Strangers. Not that I’m re-reviewing this. Just saying.

I know some of y’all have been edging for 4,000 words now; go for it.

Season 6, Episode 1: Laser This

What a boring-ass logo. Whose idea was this post?

Season 6, Episode 2: Baby Baby

What? It was a little girl?! I thought… you know what, no, it’s too embarrassing.

This one I got another site I’m a member of, but I figured I might as well include it here for completeness’ sake.

The fuck? Larry submits his articles on photocopies with “Chicago Chronicle” at the top of the page? If that’s RT (Re-Review This) Wainwright’s direction, it’s madness; if it’s Larry’s idea, it’s got to be the weirdest psychological tactic I’ve ever seen deployed.

Be the envy of all your punk buddies! “Tess Was Here” – but where were YOU when you got it? You can beat on THIS brat for only $50 simoleons!

Seriously. Make some memes out of these things or I’ve just wasted my time scanning through these 70 episodes.

Season 6, Episode 4: Geld This

Seriously. Validate me.

I’m smelling the barn here (yok yok), so I’m just going to try to blow through the rest of these with minimal commentary.

Season 6, Episode 5: Baby Feud

It was completely lost on me that Zoltan Botulitis carved his initials onto Larry’s shirt.

Season 6, Episode 11: Sunburn, Baby, Sunburn

Look at Bunky’s shirt! “Here today, gone bananas!” How witty!

Season 6, Episode 12: Hocus Poke This

Just wanted a better shot of that doll.

Season 6, Episode 13: Dead Baby

Given last week’s discussion about Pioli presumably not having a reining effect on Bronson, and everything else we know about him, I don’t even know what to make of Judy Pioli being Bronson’s director and letting him make a joke about how enjoyable her breasts. It’s… probably not my place to have an opinion, but damn it I’m still going to say something. It’s questionable.

I’ve received hundreds of requests through the Perfect Strangers Reviewed Facebook page for a high-quality screengrab of Gorpley in a dress.

You people are sick, you know that?

Season 6, Episode 15: Plant This

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: who the hell are aprons like these for? What sense of humor is this supposed to convey?

Season 6, Episode 17: Remember This

This is important.

I didn’t, um, actually have anything I wanted to look at in this one. I just wanted to make that joke. Um…

Balki offers Mrs. Lyons baby corns and she refuses because she knows the Lyons Company meets–but does not exceed–the FDA’s food defect action levels for mammalian excreta.

Season 6, Episode 18: Dub This

You know, we’ve been through 144 episodes at this point, so I think I can let you in on a little secret: I didn’t like this episode.

I disliked it so much that I’m willing to take half of the price of these Enright Records pocket logo shirts. That’s right, you heard right, you can have the “Enright Stuff” too for only $50!

Heehee it’s like he’s jerking it.

Hahaha take THAT, Google Image Search results for Fresh Young Balki B!

Season 6, Episode 19: Elect This

Really looking forward to the cosplay for next year’s CousinCon.

Season 6, Episode 20: Climb This

I was trying to get a clearer shot of that Hulk Hogan action figure, but I’ve failed again. I’ve also failed to get any further clarity on why the fuck Balki pulls out an action figure. Either Bronson was running loose or lines from the script are missing.

Holland Deodorant Company sent me a C&D, so those shirts had to be destroyed. Sorry.

Season 6, Episode 23: Extinguish This

I haven’t used Twitter in a while. Can someone please let Kellogg’s know that ABC failed to cover up the Froot Loops logo in this episode and owes them money? And that I would gladly publicly refuse a reasonable percentage of that money for helping out?

You know, you’d really think firemen would know better than to store fire in cabinets.

For those of you still edging, enjoy these HD (hot drenching) screengrabs.

That’s it! I hope you enjoyed this retrospective of highly personally-indulgent Perfect Strangers illegally-downloaded Hulu inconsistently-remastered High-Definition screengrabs, the theft of which I’ll still begrudge on the basis that selection of images constitutes the results of my effort and unique sensibilities.

Join me next week for “The Baby Shower”!

Thing #71:

Season 4 Reviewed

Parties and Games

Do you realize I’m not even halfway done? I’ve reviewed four out of 8 seasons, but only 72 out of 150 episodes.

I say this not to complain, or even to talk about the arcane topic of how networks decide on how many episodes to order each season. I mention this because I feel like Perfect Strangers has pretty much decided what it wants to be.  I mention this because I’m worried that I have 78 episodes left, and that this show isn’t going to try to surprise me with anything.  It’s almost like there’s a party this show will never get to…

One thing the show has decided is that it wants the softest of resets every episode.  No matter how many times Larry and Jennifer show affection to each other (I think there were two scenes with that this season), Larry still worries about whether she even know he exists.  I’ve called Larry a baby before, but this is a serious problem with:

Psychology sidebar: Object Permanence means, basically, the point when a child realizes objects persist in reality even when outside their field of vision.  Its absence is part of what makes peek-a-boo fun; its presence can demonstrate nascent math abilities.  Say, for instance, you have three teddy bears sitting on a table that the infant can see; you hang a cloth between them and the child, remove one bear, lift the cloth, and the little crotchfruit gets confused. It knows there were more of them previously.

It’s basically a shift from being the one-dimensional Linelander to being a two-dimensional Flatlander.  It usually occurs by about age 2.  Larry is a 27-year-old man.  I take it back; that’s not a reset, that’s a regression.

No matter how many times Balki and Mary Anne (Sagittarius) kiss (or implicitly have sex), it’s never established that they are a couple.  I mean, I would have expected a stronger reaction from her than “resigned” when Balki was getting married. I’d be screaming and crying about how he can just DUMP me without a second fucking GLANCE and shack up with that LITTLE ISLAND WHORE. But she’s so dumb she didn’t understand love.

You can send Balki to high school, you can even send him to college, but his malapropisms never improve.  (That is, they never go away and they’ve mostly ceased being funny.) He never gets appreciably smarter. Really, neither does Larry. He was hired because they were short-handed, and then he was promoted to a position where he’s underutilized.  Again, these halts in development seem even worse when, as the show has stated, Balki and Larry been together for a number of years >1.

I’ll even admit it was nice that there continuity along the lines of “Larry screws things up on trips”: that’s continuity that progresses along a certain path. Otherwise, though, Larry barely gets a promotion, the cousins don’t get a maid, the cousins don’t win a bunch of money, Balki doesn’t take up a hobby, Larry’s always dumb, Balki’s always wrong, Lydia’s always a sex addict, and

Sometimes jokes work, and sometimes they don’t!

We’ve still been getting clunky set-ups which don’t always lead to good jokes.  The show seemed to have a better track record with this in the early seasons (that poster of G. Gordon Liddy on Twinkacetti’s office wall), but now has lost its touch.  We literally have to have characters doing un-natural, almost asshole kinds of things to set up a punchline (Larry and Mary Anne giving Jennifer the same sweater plus the demand that she open Mary Anne’s first).

We even get clunky episode setups (“Games People Play”, for one), confusing setups (“High Society”), and even confusing episodes (“Crimebusters”).

So why is this happening? What caused this mix of playing out the same arguments and lessons (compare “Better Shop Around” to “Car Wars”; compare “Piano Movers” to “Prose and Cons”)?

We have one indication in the set of interviews from a couple of weeks ago, when Mark Linn-Baker told Regis that “the simpler the stories are, the better it gets”. This completely explains why, in some cases, we do get quick setups (“Games People Play” and “Prose and Cons”). The longer setups involve more than one moving piece (“Blind Alley”, “Come Fly With Me”, “Seven Card Studs”).  At any rate, the showcase each week is whatever physical comedy Larry and Balki get into. And wasn’t it worth it to see Larry’s blanket get stolen?

And I find myself wanting to blame Mark Linn-Baker here, because he’s the one who stated that philosophy.  But was it his? Was it an agreement on his and Bronson’s part? And this probably isn’t fair either, but I find myself wanting to think that it was the actors who simplified things.  Maybe. Or maybe they got good ratings the more they did it? Or maybe the writers just stopped trying to make dialogue-heavy scripts after awhile?

Was it that hard to retain a few lines of dialogue to keep the part where RT (Rosy Testicles) Wainwright was attracted to Larry in “Just a Gigolo”?

Maybe it’s all of those in different portions.  But I don’t want to ignore that part of it must be due to the nature of sitcoms in the 1980s.  I’ve read that some writers swear by the idea that all good writing must involve conflict.  So, sure, Balki and Larry have to fight each week about something. Moreover, sitcoms back then tended to focus on their gimmicks. It wouldn’t be Perfect Strangers if there weren’t some cultural misunderstandings.  Some of the better episodes to me still retained those: “Come Fly With Me”, “The Gift of the Mypiot”.  And the even better ones were the ones with both internal and external conflict: I’m going to go back a season and mention “The Defiant Guys”, but “Wedding Belle Blues” is the best example of this from season 4.  You had the cultural differences (Larry and Jennifer believe in true love, Balki believes in tradition) and the internal struggle (Balki is torn between his old culture’s dictating ways and the American fealty to love, trying to figure out how to make the fewest number of people sad).

Also, I’m having trouble putting a strict timeline onto these things.  Are these episodes happening close together in time? Are they meant to be one a week? Do they just cover the months of August to May for the cousins?  Whether 10 months or 12, 22 arguments between two men doesn’t seem terribly excessive. But some time does have to pass between episodes, so it’s jarring to me when relationships don’t deepen in the interims.  But for audiences at that time, I can only guess that was the nature of sitcoms. (And probably still is? I don’t watch sitcoms aside from Fuller House these days.)  You see these two funny people in a funny situation.  You either come for the feel of the show or because you like the actors, or because you like the jokes. You can count on this show being this flavor every time.

And now I’m realizing that the show doesn’t make up plots that you don’t see, to just scatter into conversation (“Balki, last week you ruined my posters by washing them because they looked dusty. I am NOT going to let you wash my car!”).

Maybe I’m spoiled because I’ve experienced shows like Arrested Development and League of Gentlemen and Bojack Horseman and Rick and Morty, where past events have repercussions for later episodes.  Or maybe those shows are written for adults.

Say…

I was a kid when I watched Perfect Strangers and Family Matters and Full House and Out of This World.  (I was also a kid when I watched Murphy Brown, but in that case I didn’t understand most of the jokes.)  I think it’s a fair statement to say that Perfect Strangers was being written for children by this point.  And if kids were by any margin the target audience, we should expect these trends to continue, and to grow, in the next few seasons.

And looking at it this way sheds some light on what we’ve seen this season.  The pat lessons that mid-20-somethings should have learned long ago.  The fact that Balki’s like a hyper child, and that Larry can’t believe that one woman will like him when no one else has his whole life.  They’re both individual cases of arrested development, with Larry turning into a baby almost every week.  Seriously, though the lesson of both “Piano Movers” and “Prose and Cons” is “you did good, even if it amounted to nothing”.

It explains why there’s an episode built around the concept of “Double Dare”. It explains why the cousins act like children. And it explains why they’re slowly turning into cartoons before our eyes.  Consider the cartoon logic of a badly-repaired car in “Car Wars”, or how someone can get hypnotized from across the room in “The King and I”.

Psychology Sidebar: Games People Play by Eric Berne.  I almost got into this in the review of the episode with the same name.  Let me rebuild Berne’s thesis here.  Human relationships are based on “strokes”. A stroke is when one person says “Hello” to another; two more happen when the other responds with “Hi! How are you?”. Strokes acknowledge your existence; not getting the expected scripted response means you aren’t getting stroked back, making you despondent and upset.  The “games” people play are ones to cheat the system, to get strokes by some shortcut.  I can affirm that my alcoholism isn’t a problem if I can get someone to drink with me.  I can pull in a third person to be a psychiatrist/judge when I disagree with someone, because I want to feel that my opinion has validity. I can get into fights with my spouse to avoid intimacy, which I’m afraid of. It’s all variations on the idea of getting what you want from others without putting in the actual work for it. If you’re still not getting the concept, watch any episode of Seinfled to see it played out.

The only strokes Balki and Larry are interested in are… nah, that one’s too easy. You all knew I was going to say “on their penises”, right?

What I’m getting at here is that I think Perfect Strangers has been getting good ratings with what’s approaching a minimum of effort.  I mean, goddam, “Piano Movers” should be proof of how far is too far along those lines. The most interesting thing about that episode, other than Lydia’s smile, is the factoid that it’s a ripoff of Laurel and Hardy.  Yeah, it gives you something to say about the episode, but no reason to watch it, compare the two, or even want to live anymore.

But what does effort look like, you ask? I’d say it’s using all the pieces at your disposal.  There are, what, 8 characters on this show now? As much as I enjoyed Harriette and Lydia bickering with each other, it was never central to the plot. As much as I enjoy seeing Rebeca Arthur, she hardly ever has an impact on the plot (it’s arguable in “Wedding Belle Blues” as she’s mostly there to be hurt or not hurt).  Harriette was originally presented as the character with knowledge from the streets; but she barely did or said anything in her last few appearances.  Lydia was originally a tightly-bound set of neuroses. Now she just really, really likes sex, which is a wrong thing to like.  Gorpley was presented as a mean guy who had power over Balki’s job. Now he’s a mean guy when he bowls, comes to a Christmas party, or plays poker.  To go back to season 3 again for a moment, how the hell did he not have a bigger role in “Couch Potato”, when Balki was literally missing hours of work?  I’ll have a lot more to say about jerk characters and jerk dialogue at some point; remind me if I haven’t done that by season 8.

But couldn’t these people be used more? Couldn’t Larry and Balki threaten RT Wainwright’s position in some important meeting where they fight over Sweet n’ Low packets?  Couldn’t Balki’s industriousness lead to greater work being put on Gorpley’s plate, work he can’t delegate, and so he tries to slow Balki down with the mail? Couldn’t Harriette be upset about doing the same job for years and talk shit about her boss, which Balki then repeats (either in the sense of “why, you’re not a tyrant, Mr. So-and-so” or by making the gripes sound worse than they are through Balki speech), or which he tries to fix?  Couldn’t Lydia come into work drunk and keep talking to Larry about her woes, making him late in turning in an article?  Couldn’t Jennifer and Mary Anne do their best to stop Larry from fighting in a restaurant?  While everybody’s trying to make this show simple, it ends up pushing everybody else from the room. These two atoms, Balki and Larry, form a helium gas that keeps expanding, leaving no room for anyone else. No time to think about hydrocarbons. No time to think about glycerides.

And when I say everybody else, I do mean the women, primarily. This season was the absolute worst in how it treated women, with three definite and terrible examples: “That Old Gang of Mine”, “Maid to Order”, and “Wedding Belle Blues”. Part of what makes these so disappointing was how good the setups were, just to be ruined by jokes or how issues are resolved.  At any rate, women appear to exist in a lesser role than men–not just in terms of how often they have large roles (god I miss Fat Marsha) on this show, but also in terms of the show’s philosophy towards them.  I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that a show about two men touching each other’s faces ends up giving women short shrift.  At the very least, Robert Blair, author of two of those episodes, isn’t coming back.

For all that I’ve been making it sound like the show has stagnated, I feel like we finally got some movement on the “ABC keeps trying to retool its shows” front.  Season 2 gave us one episode with the cousins working a different job “Get a Job”, and somewhat of another in season 3 “Just Desserts”. Despite the numerous possibilities there are for stories taking place at a newspaper, or for any workplace in general, we only get a handful in season 4 (“Assertive Training”, “High Society”, “Crimebusters”, and “Prose and Cons”).  But we seem to be getting more and more episodes where the cousins are put into situations that have nothing to do with home or work (“That Old Gang of Mine”, “Come Fly With Me”, “Car Wars”, “Seven Card Studs”, “Just a Gigolo”).  “Come Fly With Me” and “Teacher’s Pest” are the clearest examples of putting the cousins in a new work situation, which to me reads that ABC was testing things out.  After two seasons of not trying to give Larry a clear role at the Chicago Chronicle, someone seems to have decided to see how audiences would like him working in a classroom.  And hey, I wouldn’t have minded that!  Not only would it have given him a student-of-the-week to deal with, but maybe it wouldn’t even be Balki sometimes! And “Come Fly With Me” is an example of both cousins working in a different job setting.  These two episodes together are definite forays outside the norm for the cousins.

Other times, the show keeps experimenting with lifting a story from somewhere else and seeing how well it goes. Season 3 gave us “Just Desserts”, which had an I Love Lucy homage as its reason for existing.  I take it that one had good ratings–after all it continues to be a fan favorite–because they tried two more such episodes this season.  “Piano Movers”… let’s not talk about “Piano Movers” again. But “Aliens” is just a poorly done homage to the “It May Look Like a Walnut” episode of The Dick Van Dyke show.  The only joke this show could come up with on its own was that everybody wore vests like Balki.

I fully expect to see more episodes like these from season 5 on. I’m sure ABC will keep trying them because, hey, sometimes it may not work, but sometimes it does.  Larry will always see things one way, and Balki will see things another*. The cousins will continue to be gay. They both will still have a long way to go.

Of course they will, don’t be ridiculous.

_______________________________________

I think that’s all I have to say about season 4 for the moment. Now here’s the part where I give you a list of the best and worst things from season 4, and you all have to accept it as the final word.

Worst episode: choke on your own scripts, Robert Blair

Best episode: Games People Play, but Assertive Training and Maid to Order are tied for second.

Best one-off character: Cobra, just because he knows his late-night comedians; but Mrs. Bailey did have thoughts and feelings of her own, and Carl Winslow acted like a real person, so let’s say it’s a three-way (heh) tie.

Worst one-off character: fuckin’ Walt

Best Balki-ism: um, none?

Worst Balki-ism: “perversion” in place of “promotion”

Season 4 catchphrase count: Balki (12); Larry (7)

Season 4 boner count: Balki (1); Larry (1)

Cumulative catchphrase count: Balki (71); Larry (21)

Cumulative boner count: Balki (12); Larry (14.5)

Dance of Joy running total: 14

Join me next week for another Perfect Strangers review!

_______________________________________

*In all fairness, breaking that standard was one of the best parts of “Just a Gigolo”.

Sex, lies, and videotape (cumulative seasons 1-4)

Remember how I said I would never look at the interviews given by the actors in Perfect Strangers?

A few months ago, Phil sent me the Alcott Farm 2017 Calendar Featuring the Work and Wisdom of Bronson Pinchot with Photography by Beth Yarbrough.  There are fifteen of these left as of this writing, so please do purchase one. You may want to quibble over the fact that you will have “lost” two months of its utility, but the wisdom and the works within will return blessing and success to your life for years to come.  Why, January’s wisdom alone has changed my worldview: “Time-altered things retain their loveliness. Their beauty lies in the intention of their maker, whether artist, artisan, or deity.”  Finally, the perfectly-stated rejoinder to the whole idea of the “death of the author”.  Barthes can suck it!

February’s wisdom is almost a continuation of that idea: “If the context of a work of art is knowable, it is one’s duty to consider it as part of the whole; if it is unknowable, it is one’s privilege to exult in the surviving artifact.”  In other words, I haven’t been carrying out my full duty in creating this blog. So I find it necessary to look at the various extant video surrounding this show: interviews, game show appearances, and a smattering of commercials. Many thanks to Linda Kay for her curatorial efforts.  Just think, if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have so many things at my disposal to put down this show.

The only lie I have for you–in fact, the only one I have ever made–is that there would be sex in this week’s post.

So strap on, tune in, and get turnt, let’s look at interviews and such through the end of season 4!

Season 1 & 2 (March 25, 1986 – May 6, 1987)

Not all of these videos have specific dates on them, so I’m lumping some of those together here that simply claim to be from the “late 80s” or “1986”, etc.

I am honestly surprised there weren’t more interviews with Bronson Pinchot for this time period.  That is, I’m certain there were, I’m just surprised that they aren’t included on Linda’s YouTube page.  I think we can all agree it was just tons of Bronson interviews where they asked him about Beverly Hills Cop.

Of special note is the fact that in this timeframe, we have the only double appearance by the cousins, on Hour Magazine at some point in 1986.  Hour Magazine was hosted by Gary Collins (you all know Gary), and appeared to be a talk show with an added conceit: each celebrity was the “person of the hour”, and would stick around to be a part of the host interviewing other guests.

Left: me at 6 years old; Right: rare pre-production shot from Mac and Me.

Linn-Baker and Pinchot hang out while Gary talks to a woman who had four sets of twins (one kid excitedly says she watches Perfect Strangers).  They also participate in an interview with a Karen Dean Fritts, a psychologist who was there to discuss whether bachelorhood was on the decline (due to men becoming more selective because of STDs).  Mark is uncomfortable talking about his then 3-year-long relationship, but Bronson’s words are more revealing. Sometime around 1982/1983, Bronson had been engaged. After that went south, Bronson says that he think he’s “not even going to get close for, like, another eight years”.

This interview is also noteworthy for being the last time either one of these actors would touch an animal that wasn’t dead poultry.

I suppose it would have been a safe bet that Bronson was on Hollywood Squares at some point. I’m going to admit something about myself, something I’ve never told anyone else: Hollywood Squares is one of those shows that I’m aware of, but it was never a part of my childhood.  I feel like most people in my general age range must have seen it; it was on during the time period when I would have first started seeing gameshows. Whether it was because my parents mostly watched ABC, or because I never really saw daytime shows, I felt like I had missed out. It usually came up as some sort of joke or punchline, so I’m hoping someone out there can situate Hollywood Squares for me in the greater pop culture context. Was it a good show? Were the celebrities generally well-loved? A-list, B-list, etc.?

At any rate, Bronson was on there at least three times.  He’s not very funny here, and even doesn’t understand a joke the host makes.  I suppose he was out of his element here, since there weren’t any old women to talk to about constipation.

Hey, Bronson Pinchot and Brigitte Nielsen presented an award at the People’s Choice Awards in 1987!  Certainly they’ll engage in some witty banter about how she was in Beverly Hills Cop 2 and he wasn’t, right?

No. Bronson makes a joke, Brigitte doesn’t get it, and Bronson tells her she didn’t get it.  I’m not sure whether it would be better or worse if they had come up with their dialogue beforehand.

Evidently, in late 1980s France, television was undergoing deregulation. This meant that networks needed to (heh) fill some slots quickly, so they started importing American shows.  Like, who cares, really, but I know at least one of you out there will be into the footage of two French voiceover actors moaning while watching Perfect Strangers.

Season 3 (May 7, 1987 – May 6, 1988)

All right! We’re halfway done with th…

*sees that I am on page 3 of 19 in this Google Drive document full of notes*

ah shit

If you think I’m to do a paragraph or two for each of the remaining 40+ videos I watched, you’re nuttier than squirrel shit.  So let’s talk trends. Previously, Bronson had been the star; but now that Perfect Strangers itself was a bonafide hit, it’s just interviews all over the place.

You’ve got your morning talk show interviews:

Bronson Pinchot appeared on Good Morning America a few times that year.  The first I have (from September 1987, right after Bronson received an Emmy nomination) doesn’t give us much information. Bronson deflects the host’s praise about the nomination, as well as the good reviews, as he claims it does no good for him: he doesn’t even get free shoe shines. And there’s the Bronson we all know and love!

Host: So you’re doing great and people like you!

Bronson: This is not enough to make me happy.

It appears he did have a girlfriend that week–he makes some sort of finger-based inside joke to the camera.  At one point, the host asks him about trouble on set, and we learn that Linn-Baker was essentially a class clown–making Bronson laugh, but becoming pure innocence when the teacher notices.  I do want to highlight one thing Bronson says here, in the context of coming up with “don’t be ridiculous”:

Bronson: It came out of… this constant thing, which I think a lot of people have, which is, “I really don’t understand what you’re talking about, but I want you to still like me, and I want not to be stared at right now, so I’m just going to deflect it”.

Deep. My psychology sidebars have nothing on that.

The other Good Morning America interview gives a couple of tidbits: one is how much he and Mark come up with lines for Balki, and how much of the physical comedy they come up with. There’s also a mention of the movie Second Sight, no kidding here, two years before it came out. Bronson is annoyed by the types of things women want to do when they travel.

He was also on AM Los Angeles a couple of times. In one, he talks about flea bites on his ankles. In another, he’s promoting the show’s move to Friday nights.  But this is also where he starts exhibiting a pattern of behavior.  He comes out early before the hosts are done talking about the day’s program, he steals their question cards, throws away the ones that I assume are about Eddie Murphy, and he keeps deflecting questions about his personal life. Second Sight, according to Bronson, was to come out in November of 1988.

But sometimes, Bronson would be allowed to stay up past his bedtime and be on prime time.  He showed up again on Hollywood Squares, where he pretends to call Ronald Reagan as Balki (in the grand tradition of jokes Bronson comes up with on his own, it’s almost a good idea, but ends up going nowhere). He made some small appearances on Entertainment Tonight, sometimes just for quick quotes, like when he shared a memory about how his bosses on Perfect Strangers took him to task for breaking character; and when Bronson thought Harvey Korman would back him up, Harvey Korman did not back him up. One clip from March 1988 gives us a couple of tidbits about Bronson: he was miserable when he’d go 8 or 9 months without a job; and that his goal in playing Balki is to make “you look at things the way you looked at them when you were 5”.  But God I love Mary Hart’s reaction to hearing about Bronnie’s role in Second Sight.

Let’s pretend this one is also from Entertainment Tonight so I can lump them in here. January of 1988: Cheryl Washington interviews Bronson and leads into the clip by saying that Perfect Strangers enticed him to put movies on hold.

*pauses YouTube video and laughs for three minutes straight*

To his credit, though, he does say that he turned down a lot of movies because he didn’t know how to separate the wheat from the chaff.  He was developing “a few movie projects”

*three minutes pass*

but hoped that he could be on a great, innovative sitcom, like Mork and Mindy.

like, look, man, did you watch it or not

From something called Hot Quotes!, and I’m paraphrasing slightly:

Tabloid interviewer: Are any women trying to date you?

Bronson: No, there are none.

Each of the last few generations have had their flashpoint moment, the moment everyone can say where they were that day: Kennedy’s assassination, the attack on Pearl Harbor, 9/11, the moon landing, but for many, it was Bronson Pinchot’s appearance on Hour Magazine in February 1988.  Bronson touches Gary Collins’s leg and makes fun of his socks. Bronson slouches silently and then eats pie made by Pillsbury Bake-Off winner Mary Lou Warren. Then, he and Gary talk fashion with Sandie Newton about mesh biker shirts and Prince William’s knees. They also discuss losing the hair on their lower legs, a clever ruse on Bronson’s part to get Gary Collins to touch his leg.

But hey, the last part of Hour Magazine picks up a bit with actress Sally Kirkland!*

She talks about acting school, certainly something Bronson will have perspective on…

No, Bronson just flirts with Sally. But then the conversation moves on to doing roles with accents, certainly something Bronson will have perspective on…

Bronson?

Fine, moving on to season 4.

Season 4 (May 7, 1988 – May 5, 1989), or, the section with all the Pat Sajak clips

That morning talkshow/late night talkshow order worked alright for the season 3 videos, but I think it’s worth doing the rest of these actor by actor.

Melanie Wilson

We’ve got two interviews here, one from A.M. Los Angeles in March 1989 where she talks about her father, Dick Wilson. Dick was not only on Bewitched, but he was also Mr. Whipple in the “don’t squeeze the Charmin” commercials.  The host is unimpressed by this.  Anyways, Melanie had been acting since the age of 10, going from theatre to commercials to Perfect Strangers.  Also her husband makes closets and the asshole hosts of A.M. Los Angeles straight up ask her if she’s worried about him screwing lonely housewives.  There’s also a lovely quote from Melanie that I just have to present out of context: “It’s true: you’ll never see me anywhere”.

Now here’s one that I found very interesting to watch.  In April 1989, Melanie Wilson appeared on the Pat Sajak Show the same night that Louie Anderson was a guest.**  She tells Pat the exact same story about her dad, but it’s a little punchier by now.  But pretty quickly into their chat, Louie butts in and shifts the conversation immediately to how the makers of Perfect Strangers hated him, and he wouldn’t be on that stupid show anyway.  He acts like he’s joking, but it sounds pretty honest to my ears.  Melanie had no idea that Louie was the original Cousin Larry.

Melanie and Pat talk around the fact that Louie won’t shut up, and Melanie subtly signals to Pat that she’s uncomfortable. He’s an aware enough guy he picks up on it and goes to commercial.

Rebeca Arthur

Rebeca Arthur did a lot of game shows, such as Super Password, Couch Potatoes, and The All-New Liars’ Club. As far as I’m concerned–and perhaps this has to do with her hair color and figure–she fits in well in this setting.  I also find that she’s fairly funny on her own. For instance, in her February 1989 appearance on Couch Potatoes (it’s basically a version of Trivial Pursuits where the contestants only answer the questions about TV), pretty much the first thing out of her mouth is a joke about how Balki fucks sheep.  I love this woman, y’all. I do feel for her, though, since it’s quickly obvious that none of the contestants has watched even a minute of Perfect Strangers; seriously, they don’t even know   Anyway, you find out that Rebeca auditioned for the role of Jennifer first, and that Mary Anne was originally going to be called Rachel. A moment of silence, please, for the Larry Anne (Ship) that never was.

I mention her appearances on Super Password during “Halloween Week” simply to make a few stray observations. First is that the dog seen in “Your Cheatin’ Heart” was actually Rebeca’s dog, Emmy.  Another is that Pat Sajak was the second celebrity guest, which to me now becomes an indication that network lines were perhaps only drawn in the sand.  ABC may have turned Perfect Strangers into a commercial for Moonlighting, but Super Password aired on NBC, and The Pat Sajak Show was on CBS.

*shrug*

The gimmick of Halloween Week is that host Bert Convy had to pass out bags with “tricks” or “treats” in them to the players, and it’s obvious that no one had decided beforehand what merited either one. Bert Convy doesn’t even try to hide how little he likes the gimmick, and Pat Sajak keeps lightly criticizing him for not keeping the pace going.  But, hey, I’m not reviewing Super Password, right? It’s honestly kind of boring to wa–

Oh wait–there’s toys!

I can’t identify that inflatable bat, but it’s likely Oriental Trading Company or Hallmark. Maybe Russ.

In case you were looking for something undeniably 80s from these clips, Rebeca Arthur plays with Shlump, one of the Boglin toys.

On the second show, who cares about anything else, because there’s a Snarlie Narlie from the Rock Lords line.

Not enough Pat Sajak for you yet? Here’s Rebeca on his show! She’s brought her dog, Emmy, along.  Pat gives her a muffin for the dog, and Rebeca jokes about how messy it’s going to be when Emmy shits it back out later on. I love this woman, y’all.

Let’s see, what’s interesting here… she can’t remember what the cousins’ jobs are… she was the Azalea Queen at the North Carolina Azalea Festival… she has a friend named Lisa…

I’ve got eight more pages of notes to condense, so let’s switch to Mark, shall we?

Mark Linn-Baker

Mark had his interview talking points down to a science, and you basically get the same talking points covered in the articles from last time around. He and Bronson have no drama behind the scenes, he and Bronson don’t hate each other, he and Bronson “have good chemistry”.

Again, because I did such a thorough and perfect job creating a narrative of these actors and their relationship to each other, the show, and their own lives, I only have a list of tidbits here.

Mark: The simpler the stories are, the funnier it gets.

Well, I’ve definitely found my season 5 running joke!

Pat Sajak: They’re starting to call you guys Laurel & Hardy, and Norton & Kramden….”

don’t give ‘em any ideas, Pat

Mark: We try to be funny.

Damn! Two running jokes for season 5 and I haven’t even started watching it yet!

It wouldn’t surprise me if people stopped interviewing this guy after awhile.  Anyway, Mark seemed to be a go-to guy whenever someone needed a safe white guy who was associated with comedy, who would show up on time and not mess up any lines.

For instance, he co-hosted Here’s to You, Mickey Mouse with Soleil Moon Frye.  This TV special celebrated Mickey Mouse’s 60th birthday*** by having Mark hang out with a teenage girl in a dressing room and solemnly watch old Mickey Mouse cartoons.  I love you, Mark, but fuck this snoozefest. I’ll stick with Totally Minnie, thank you very much.

Ah, crap, I knew I’d regret this endeavor at some point. I’m going to have to watch the 1988 McDonald’s Charity Christmas Parade in Chicago, hosted by Linn-Baker and Uncle Jesse.

This whole thing is far, far more boring than you’d think.  I watched the whole thing just to bring you these juicy details. John Stamos and Jana Davies keep making jokes about Mark, possibly to throw him off, but Mark sticks to the script like shit to a shovel. Now that he’s spent years on screen correcting pronunciation, he makes sure the home audience knows that you’re supposed to say “pom-pon”.  We learn that Stamos and Mark were in high school band, playing drums and clarinet, respectively.  I was in high school band, and yes, their personalities are an exact match for those instruments. I also would have believed that Stamos played trumpet.  Bob Evans Restaurants had mascots named Biscuit & Gravy; John Stamos’s favorite movie is Wizard of Oz; Jana Davies tries to get the guys to make jokes about her breasts; Jana Davies laughs at what she thought was a fat joke; Jana Davies sounds like a jerk, huh?  They also make up canon for Mac Tonight, which I really don’t appreciate. They’re saying he’s from outer space. I don’t believe it. Guy played a piano on a cloud. I believe in genetic convergence and all, but come on.

Santa is explicitly religious when he talks, which you damn sure couldn’t do these days.

Lastly, because he didn’t mind another $200 bucks in his savings account, Mark hosted the Moscow Circus special (sometime between August 15 and October 9, 1988). Evidently Perfect Strangers had repaired US-Russian relations!

This is the worst spoof of News for the Hard of Hearing that I’ve ever seen.

Mark gives us a very short history of circuses, and talks about how many people are in the Moscow Circus and they also have bears and there’s some sort of mythology about cranes and who fucking cares I’m tired of watching all this shit now I’m tired of this show I’m tired of these actors I’m tired of the whole world do you understand me our whole country is turning into a Moscow Circus and Pinchot spelled backwards is Putin nobody knows conclusively why the term handbasket is used but that’s what we’re in or maybe the more appropriately temporally-localized metaphor is that we’re going to hell in a Hummer or we’re going to hell in a Coca-Cola Freestyle machine we’re going to hell or it’s a Mohamed and the mountain idiom kind of a thing and it’s here we’re in HELL and

oh, the video ended

Bronson Pinchot (pronounced “pinch-ohpopo”)

Of course I left Bronson for last. And of course most of the interviews were with him. And of course he keeps touching feet and shoes. Let’s do these in chronological order.

During the summer of 1988, Bronson appeared on both Good Morning America and Entertainment Tonight to promote his big upcoming super-great-sure-to-be-a-blockbuster-hit Second Sight.  Joel Zwick (that’s him above), director of 49 out of the first 50 Perfect Strangers episodes, was set to direct Bronson as a “psychic virtuoso”.  It’s been most of my life since I watched anything like either one of these programs.  I have vague memories of these shows being on the set of whatever movie, but I don’t know if I remember them happening a year and a half out had more to do with how slowly time passed for youngsters.

Mary Hart (Scorpio): Pinchot, known for his interpretation of offbeat characters such as Balki on Perfect Strangers, says that developing a role for a film–

Wait, Mary Hart, STOP

Shouldn’t you list, like, a second character he interpreted? That he’s known for? Maybe????

Bronson says that it’s high pressure because he has to come up with new comedy all the time during the film.

Makes sense. Larroquette mentions that he finds Bronson funny because he’s always doing something unexpected.  Unfortunately, this doesn’t always work out for him.  In his appearance on Attitudes (a talkshow you’re more likely to remember from the Saturday Night Live parody with Jan Hooks and Nora Dunn), he got the audience to agree to not applaud for him when he comes out, just as a goof on the viewers at home.

What? Why?? Anyway, he mentions Moonlighting, so I stopped the video and went on to the next one.

Bronson showed up again on Good Morning America in November 1988 to talk about how “Up a Lazy River” was some grade-A funny shit, but that the quicksand was made from “fine gravel” and he got an ear infection from it.

Bronson–

Bronson please give Joan Lunden her shoe back.

At this point, I assure you you’re not alone in wondering if Bronson has some sort of fetish.  Sure, the first time, he was making a logical joke about his success not getting him “shoe shines”. Later, when he was on Hour Magazine, Gary made fun of Bronson for zoning out, and Bronson responded by making fun of Gary’s socks; they later made a callback to it and touched each other’s legs.

But here? He grabs Joan Lunden’s shoe before she’s even done with her first question and holds it up in front of him while he says hello to family at home.  Is there something here? Was it some sort of ill-planned joke on the references to Balki having the prettiest legs on Mypos? (Question just for people who like men’s legs: does Bronson have nice legs/feet?) Is it just Bronson trying to buck formula again, either to play the role of Bronson Pinchot, or maybe amuse himself?  At any rate, I’ve got three running (ha) jokes ready for season 5 now.  And I thought it wouldn’t be worth watching these interviews.

Lest you think that Mark Linn-Baker was the only one of the cousins that Arsenio Hall liked, Bronson Pinchost appeared on his show in both February and May of 1989.

I want to apologize that most of this post has been nothing but fodder for your next Perfect Strangers trivia party, but I did finally get some insight from these two interviews.  Let’s get the morsels out of the way first.

–Bronson says he keeps Balki fresh by using his own “rhythm” rather than that of the character.  Yeah, and it fuckin’ showed this season

–Bronson’s family was on food stamps when he was young

–In case you needed more reasons to dislike him, Bronson did not know who Debbie Gibson was

–There’s a bit missing from the portion with second guest, Michael Gross, who had just finished up a 7-year run on Family Ties. I wish I could have seen more of him and Bronson together to know if they talked about their different perspectives on their shows. But mostly during that section, Bronson just pipes up once to make a joke about watching porn.

*shit, I almost forgot to make a joke about watching porn this week, gotta come up with something fast*

Ahem.  I watch porn.

–in the May appearance, Bronson takes off his shoes right away (Jesus…)

–we learn that Bronson talked about his mother’s feet in his February appearance (…Christ)

–At that point in time, Second Sight was supposed to come out in August 1989

–Bronson used to turn up the music real loud when he would bring home girls when he was 17

Yes, that’s right, you heard right, that tender age of 17, when he was in high school and depressed and overweight and barely social…

Say…

There’s a couple of ways that you can sort Bronson’s talkshow appearances.  One is the daytime/late night axis.  He likes to goof around in the mornings, steals question cards, steals shoes, tells the audience not to laugh, but on Arsenio, he’s quiet. Waits for a good opportunity to make an adult joke. Shows off his legs to the ladies. Talks about gettin’ that high school poonanny.  Perhaps Bronson’s keenly aware of the audience demographics, and modifies his behavior appropriately.

But another axis is male vs. female hosts. It always seems to be the women hosts that he goofs around on.  Sure, there were both male and female hosts on AM Los Angeles, but he stole their interview cards.  Sure, when both cousins appeared on Hour Magazine in 1986, you could argue that Bronson hadn’t developed his quirky “what’s-he-gonna-do-next” persona, but in the 1988 episode with just him and Gary, he barely talks through most of the segments.  He takes Joan Lunden’s shoe, but he’s remarkably laid-back on Arsenio.

Here’s the thing about Occam’s Razor: not only does it need to be the simplest explanation, it needs to be the simplest explanation that covers all the pieces. Maybe Bronson legitimately loves everybody’s feet, including his own. Maybe his fiancée left because he only wanted to suck on her toes.

BUT

He was not the most social person in high school, even if he did bring girls home sometimes. Maybe he did date a different woman every few weeks after finding success, and maybe he did grab secretaries’ butts, but he was engaged, and they did break it off, and he did go on national TV and say that he didn’t think he could ever “get close” to marriage for another eight years. And–spoiler alert–we know now that he never has gotten married.

To try to be fair, I’ll acknowledge that this can’t possibly be the totality of Bronson’s television interviews to this point.  We can’t get a full picture right now of how he developed over the years 1986-1989, and the foot stuff itself could be overshadowed by some other recurring thing–or lost in a sea of no recurring things, if we could. But that previous paragraph is made up of facts, and here’s my interpretation of these interviews seen through these facts. I get the strong impression that Bronson is more comfortable talking to men. When there’s a chance of a woman asking him questions, he seems to need to deflect it by being goofy first.  For whatever reason(s), the Bronson I see in these interviews does not want to have no power in a situation with a woman. Let’s take the attention off of my interior by looking at my exterior.

On the other hand, Balki did try to shine Susan’s shoes with his heart…

 

Did it–am I done? Did I watch them all?

*collapses into a heap in Yaya Biki’s chair*

I hope you enjoyed this dive into the world of TV appearances; and if you didn’t, please tell me so I won’t waste everybody’s time for the next four seasons.  I’m curious to hear if anyone else has a different take from mine on Bronson and feet.

To end, though, I’ve got one more video from this time period for you.  Bronson Pinchot was in a Temptations music video for some goddam reason because the Temptations weren’t that popular anymore, and Bronson was, which just goes to show you how much justice there is in the world. Also, surprise surprise:

Join me next week when I’ll look at articles written during season 4, and also what our actors did during the summer of 1989. After that you’ll get your season 4 review, I promise.

_______________________________

*At one point in this interview, Gary asks Sally who just came in the door behind the audience; it was Paulina Porizkova. Mere coincidence?

**Mere coincidence?

***Does this mean he was still wet with afterbirth at the beginning of “Steamboat Willie”?

****Thanks again to Linda Kay’s curatorial efforts.